


the heart is a red-bell-bloom (in distress)

by borrowedtime



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, and fifty per cent healing process, and hopefully very gay, it's fifty per cent angst, repairing all the damage of reign, sam & her support group basically, this is like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-05-23 05:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedtime/pseuds/borrowedtime
Summary: "She wants to ask Alex to hold her but doesn’t know how to find the words. A request seems too brazen, too unfair. Saying: ‘hold me’ sounds so juvenile in her head."Sam, post-Reign, and her recovery.





	1. memories that I black out (if you were mine)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is probably going to be three part exploration of how Sam would repair herself post the whole Reign debacle. With added AgentReign, because I love them.
> 
> A few things to bear in mind when reading this, I have watched bits and pieces of the current season of Supergirl so I am a little unsure as to how to write the whole de-Reigning of Sam. So, I'm keeping that part purposefully vague. Also, as per the latest bits of Supergirl, Kara has left Earth (for now), but she'll be brought up plenty in this. 
> 
> This gonna be an angst ridden ride but I'm planning to have Sam and Alex get together and help each other heal. It's gonna be a little sad but it's gonna be very gay.
> 
> Work Title is from a poem by Sylvia Plath: "The Surgeon at 2 a.m."
> 
> Chapter Title is from "Collar Full" by Panic! At the Disco.

The first night Sam wakes with a start she’s not sure what to do. She thinks about checking on Ruby and decides that she doesn’t want to accidentally wake her. She has that big test coming up and she needs all the rest she can get. So, she settles herself back underneath the covers of her bed and tries to get rid of the images of destruction and death out of her mind. Sometimes she feels alien in her own body. A funny word to use in this context, alien, but an apt one. Sometimes she feels like her limbs are not her own, and it’s even worse to know that there was a point when her whole body moved of it’s own accord and she has little to no memory of what actually happened. 

It’s been three months since Reign was defeated and she’s still terrified that it’s going to happen again; losing time, waking up, minutes or hours or days lost to some abyss that she can’t recollect. She starts falling asleep less because then her mind can’t conjure up nightmares of what happened when she wasn’t conscious of her own actions. She wonders if they’re nightmares at all, or memories —of her other self, this thing, this Worldkiller. She doesn’t want to know the answer, so she doesn’t ask anyone with the knowledge. 

The second night she wakes up, she toys with her phone. Alex gave her her number for this exact situation—call me, she’d said, if things get too much. Things are always too much, but Sam can’t fathom leaning on people, even after she’s been shown that it’s an effective way of dealing with her problems. She scrolls through her contacts, up and down and up and down, rolling over Alex’s name again and again. She watches the blue light highlight Alex’s name and then she clicks it. 

It rings. Twice. And then she hangs up, the fluttering in her chest becoming a thunderous roar in the split seconds the phone line connects and disconnects. She slips her hand underneath the old T-shirt she’s adopted for pyjamas and presses underneath her breastbone. She feels the pattering of her heart, urgent, just to remind herself that she’s there.

Her phone vibrates, forgotten, on her blankets. Alex has called her back. She swipes the phone and answers it, after a few heart stopping moments of hesitation. The line crackles. She doesn’t speak, can’t speak, for fear of all her worries spilling from her chest like some crack in a dam threatening to flood her from top to toe. 

“Sam?” The one syllable, a caring but worried tone, is all it takes. 

Sam sobs before she’s even realized she’s doing it. “Alex?” 

“Sam, are you okay? Do you need me to come over?” 

She nods. “Y-yeah.” 

Alex says she’ll be over soon and hangs up. Sam has ten minutes to collect herself and then is filled with the cold shock of her mistake. Alex will be coming here, to see her, an emotional wreck in an old band T-shirt. She’s just disturbed Alex’s sleep with her instability again. It takes her another ten minutes to plan a speech in her head of how to send Alex home, how to absolve her of having to deal with Sam’s ridiculousness. 

Alex knocks, quiet, on the door and then texts Sam that she’s there. 

Sam pads out of her room, shivers at the cold, and towards the front door. She’s forgotten to put on pants in the process, but she doesn’t plan to let Alex stay for long. 

Sam swings open the door and immediately unleashes all her apologies. “You can go, it’s okay. I’m fine.” 

Alex just raises an eyebrow and steps inside. Sam’s flailing her arms in an attempt to shoo the other woman away, when Alex simply ushers Sam further into the room and locks and shuts the front door. 

Then, she slips her arms around Sam’s waist and pulls her into a gentle hug. Sam doesn’t quite know what to do at first, she hugs back on instinct but there is a terrible gnawing in her gut that reminds her of what a nuisance she’s being. 

“I’m so sorry.” Sam can’t keep herself from repeating. 

She feels Alex shakes her head. “It’s okay. I want to be here. You here that? I want to be here. I’d rather be here.” 

Sam truly sinks into the hug and they stand like that for a while. For how long, Sam couldn’t say. Long enough, though, for Sam to miss Alex’s warmth when she pulls away and suggest that they get her into bed. 

“If you’re okay with that.” Alex adds. 

Sam nods her assent and leads her to her bedroom. She pulls a t shirt and track pants from her pyjamas draw and hands them to Alex. Alex turns to the corner of the room and slips in and out of her clothing smoothly, while Sam clambers into bed. Sam didn’t turn the light on when she left, so there’s no need to turn it off now, but Alex does adjust the curtain so that the moon can’t sneak in between the cracks and keep them from sleeping. 

Alex slips under the covers and clears her throat. “Is it dreams?” 

Sam feels her throat constrict. “Yeah. I think they’re dreams.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Sam exhales a long breath and pulls her knees up to her chest. “It’s okay. I just don’t know what to do. I tried sleeping pills. They don’t work.” 

Alex shuffles around, moving a little bit closer. “Kara said the same thing when she younger. Something about your biology.” 

Sam forgets that she’s technically Kryptonian now. Or, that she always was. She forgets that Alex would have experience with this—a shell shocked alien, dealing with trauma and a profound sense of loss. 

“I’m trying to handle this.” Sam feels her hands shake and tries to control her voice, make it more even or more something so it doesn’t crack the way it is now. 

“I’m trying.” She says again. “I’m trying so hard. Why isn’t it working? Why won’t she go away? Hasn’t she taken enough from me?” 

The crying starts again, this time with the shaking of her shoulders and then outwards. Like the spread of some horrible disease. By the time she’s properly shedding tears, she feels Alex’s arm wrap around her shoulder. She doesn’t want to need anyone in this way, but she is tired and she is distraught, so she leans into Alex’s shoulder and feels the other woman adjust her posture so they are half hugging.

“I know.” Alex murmurs, voice thick. “I know.” 

Sam sighs and lets her tears slow. She wants to ask Alex to hold her but doesn’t know how to find the words. A request seems too brazen, too unfair. Saying: ‘hold me’ sounds so juvenile in her head. She has the brief horrifying thought that it would be unfair to ask Alex, a lesbian, to hold her, a woman, and then dismisses that thought as soon as it arrives. That isn’t the problem. The problem is that Sam doesn’t want to need anyone, lesbian regardless. 

She feels Alex kiss the side of her head. This woman is so full of support for other people, Sam thinks. How could she ask her to support one more? 

So, Sam doesn’t ask Alex to hold her. She simply lies there, head on shoulder, until Alex shifts to wrap an arm around her more securely. Then, when she feels her equilibrium balance out sufficiently, Sam pulls away and thanks her. Quietly. 

She lays down after that, a little bit of a distance away, and feels Alex lay down as well. 

“Good night.” She heads Alex murmur. She returns it and shuts her eyes, willing the demons away. 

— 

Sam awakens to sunlight streaming in through the curtains. Alex and her have wrapped themselves around each other, seeking warmth, at some point in the night. Alex’s arm has slipped underneath Sam’s shirt and is holding her securely around her middle. Sam’s legs are tangled with Alex’s, thigh to thigh. Her head is tucked underneath Alex’s chin, breathing into her neck. 

Sam doesn’t quite know what to do, at first, so she doesn’t do anything. It’s not until she hears the doorknob turn and Ruby walk into the room that she realizes what this looks like.

She hears Ruby step inside and feels embarrassment and shame bloom heavy in her chest. What kind of a mother is she? To not think about how this looks to her child? To still not gather enough strength to move?

“Mom?” 

It’s only at the request that Sam raises her head and feels Alex stir next to her. Alex’s eyelids flutter and then they open. 

Sam looks over at her daughter. “What is it, baby?” 

To her credit, Ruby only looks mildly perplexed when a barely awake Alex sits up and runs a hand through her hair. 

Ruby toys with her shirt. “I just wanted to see if you wanted anything for breakfast.” 

Sam shakes her head, thinking of ways she’s going to explain this later. 

Ruby nods and then glances at Alex. “Do you want anything, Alex?” 

Alex manages a smile. “Don’t worry about me, kiddo.”

With a final look at the pair of them, Ruby takes her leave and closes the door. Sam sighs and sinks back against the pillows. 

“Fuck.” 

Alex winces. “Sorry about that.” 

Sam waves her away in a dismissive gesture. “Not your daughter, not your problem.” 

It sounds harsh, which Sam did not mean in any way, but Alex only shakes her head. 

“I meant about the cuddling.” She clarifies. 

Sam sits up and shrugs. “That’s okay. I don’t mind.”

She slips out of bed, gathers a pair of pants off the floor and pulls them on. She tames her hair into a ponytail, ties it, and feels, for a first time since Alex came over, at least a little bit pulled together. 

Sam sighs. “I’m just going to go talk to Ruby for a second. Do you mind waiting in here for a couple of minutes?” 

Alex nods, picks imaginary lint off of her shoulder and watches Sam leave the room. Sam closes the door behind her and heads to the kitchen. Ruby is sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. 

Sam leans against the counter, and then crosses the room to boil the kettle. Ruby looks up at her, but doesn’t say anything. 

“So.” Sam starts, once she’s found a mug and starts spooning coffee grounds into it. “Alex stayed the night.” 

Ruby quirks her eyebrows. “I know, mom.” 

Sam glances at her daughter. “It wasn’t what it looked like.” 

Sam knows it’s the wrong sentence to pick as soon as it’s out of her mouth. Something pulls at Ruby’s mouth and Sam knows she doesn’t believe her. Or at least, doesn’t believe that something didn’t happened. So, Sam does the best thing she can think of in the moment. Lie. 

“Alex had a late night and came here. It’s closer than her place.”

Ruby spoons cereal into her mouth and shrugs. “I don’t care if she stays over, mom. I like Alex.”

“Please don’t talk with your mouth full. Still, I just want you to know that it’s not a regular thing and that -“ Sam pauses when she sees Alex, dressed in her outfit from the previous night, walk into the kitchen. 

Alex hesitates mid-step. “I can come back.” 

Sam glances from Ruby to Alex and shakes her head. “It’s okay. I’m pretty much done.” 

“Thank god.” Ruby murmurs, under her breath. 

Sam is too startled to reprimand her for her attitude and can only offer to make Alex a coffee. Predictably, Alex declines and says that she should get on her way to work. She pats Ruby’s head as she walks past—something Ruby seems to both despise and love simultaneously—and Sam walks her to the front door. 

“Thank you for coming over.” Sam wants to say that it won’t be a regular thing but can’t, for fear of embarrassing herself further. 

Alex smiles, it’s beautiful and bright and Sam can barely stand to look at it. “No worries. I’m happy to.” 

They hug goodbye and Sam sends her on her way. She feels tears fill in her eyes and she forces down the guilt as she heads back to the kitchen. Alex is so full of love for people, so naturally a rock for so many people to depend on. Sam can’t help but feel a pull in her gut that says she doesn’t deserve to be a part of that group. 

Ruby is rinsing out her bowl—a sheer miracle in and of itself—when Sam gets back. 

“Don’t forget your coffee, Mom. I’m gonna get ready for school.”

——

Sam drives Ruby to school and drops her off. She takes her time getting out of the parking lot. Lena has given her about two months of paid leave—to deal with things, she’s said at the time. Now, Sam is realizing that she’d much rather be working, to have something to keep her hands and her mind busy. 

She wants to text Alex, to explain or to apologize, but she can’t find the right words so she never actually ends up sending a message. She drives mindlessly and finds herself back home. She breaks the door handle as she holds it and tries to find her keys in her bag. 

It startles her so much that she forgets how to let go of it. It’s the other remnants of Reign that is left in her body—Alex explained that it’s likely that she’ll retain powers to some degree. It’ll be like charging a blown out solar battery, a very slow process. They’re not even sure how many powers of Reign’s, of Supergirl’s, that her body will keep. They expect increased strength and longevity of her cells, though. 

She lets go out of the crushed handle with a degree of difficulty. She swallows, thick, and her mind is thrown back into the rabbit hole of thinking what else these hands—her hands—have done. Who else these hands have hurt, have torn apart. Supergirl and Alex have both made a point of saying that it wasn’t her that did this, it was something else inhabiting her body. Lena took the time to explain altered levels of consciousness to help her process that it was her body but not her mind, and not her decisions, that wrecked havoc on the city. It didn’t and doesn’t help. Her body is on the news, footage that she has seen, hurling things and people into the air. 

Her face, her eyes, her expressions of hate. Her mouth spewing fables and dreams and the things of nightmares. Something akin to her voice. 

Sam sits herself on the couch and puts on the television so she doesn’t have to hear herself think. She reads the latest report from LCorp—courtesy of Jess, at her request— and kicks off her shoes. 

The word: ‘worldkiller’ comes to her mind in a sudden flurry. She was going to kill a whole world. No, Reign was going to kill a whole world. Not her, not even a shred of DNA was involved involved in making that decision. And yet, something of Reign has been left in her. The harmless parts, the abilities but not the beliefs. Her hands are still not her own, somehow. But it’s different. Her hands are simply unfamiliar. 

Somehow the timer on her phone goes off. It’s time to pick Ruby up from school. Has that much time passed again? Her heart rate picks up and her breathing elevates. Where has she been? Has she been here the whole time? She grips the couch cushions and shuts her eyes. 

No, she thinks. She tries to do what Alex taught her—remind herself of the present. She came in and sat on the couch and read the report. She thought about the past and the past she doesn’t remember. Time passed and she was here, she was present. She didn’t go anywhere. She didn’t go anywhere. 

She didn’t go anywhere. 

It’s enough, for now, to calm herself down. She gets up and grabs her keys from the counter. She forgoes her shoes and opens the front door. She wonders if she should go to therapy, and then wonders what on earth she would say in place of: ‘I was an alien who had the power to destroy an entire planet and almost did.’ How do you explain losing days of time without having them run extensive tests on her—that have already been run—and have their results come back inconclusive? She’d need an alien therapist. Or something. It seems more trouble than it’s worth. 

Sam gets into the car and starts the engine. She tries to be gentle, she doesn’t want to snap her key, and she tries so hard that, when she puts her hands on the steering wheel, they’re shaking from nerves. She thinks about giving Kara a call, because Kara would know what to do, and realizes that she can’t. 

Kara is gone. She has taken a vacation, more or less, and she deserves it too. Kara deserves to go back home. Still, Sam can’t help but feel a little lost. Her one point of reference—gone. 

— 

A week later, Lena invites herself over for dinner. Sam can’t really blame her—after going from seeing each other everyday at work, to nothing for almost two weeks, would be a lot to handle. Ruby is more than happy to have her cool, rich Aunt visit and help her with homework. Sam is enthusiastic but unsure; expectations are the hardest to gauge from people who claim to not have any.

Lena came dressed in her work clothes—a form fitting pantsuit with a plunging neckline, heels, hair up in a ponytail. She changes into a pair of Sam’s clothes fairly quickly—track pants and an oversized hoodie. It’s nice to see her be so casual. She looks younger. 

They have a nice dinner with Ruby—something supplied by Lena, which likely means it’s far too expensive than it needs to be. Ruby seems to enjoy it, and Lena’s company, she laughs and smiles the whole way through. So does Sam, actually. Lena is genuinely witty, which makes for easy laughing, and occasionally she’ll touch Sam’s hand in some quiet reassurance. It’s okay to laugh, she seems to be saying, you can laugh through your tragedies. 

Ruby goes to bed pretty soon after. She complains, but it is a school night, and Sam is insistent. The little spat makes her feel a bit better, more like a mother and less like a spectre in her own house. 

Lena produces a bottle of wine from god knows where, by the time Sam has gotten back. 

“Drink?” She asks, as if the answer weren’t already obvious. 

Sam nods anyway, and grabs two wine glasses from the cabinet. She hasn’t had a drink since Reign was more or less cleaved from her body. She’s not even sure she can get drunk anymore, but it never hurts to try. 

Lena fills their glasses far too liberally. Then she raises her glasses in a toast, a bit odd in and of itself, but Sam wonders if it was a reflex. Sam leans across her spot on the floor to clink glasses with her. 

Sam takes one sip and she has to ask: “how expensive was this?” 

Lena shrugs, as if it doesn’t matter. Sam is reminded, with the carelessness of her friend’s posture, that Lena is a rich twenty four year old. 

“It’s a gift.” Lena replies, at length. Sam’s not sure if it’s true but she knows that Lena doesn’t do or say anything without thinking it through, seventy times over and in seventy different ways. Lena is a businesswoman to her core, and it shows. 

Lena reclines on the couch and pats the seat next to her. Sam pulls herself up off the floor and situates herself underneath Lena’s legs. 

“I love you.” Lena tells her, simply. The rest goes unsaid: I’m here for you, I’ll help you if you want me to. But it’s said in Lena’s expression. 

Sam takes a gulp of wine. “I love you too. And the wine.” 

Lena laughs and lets the heavier moment go without a fuss. That’s one the best things about having Lena around, she knows the limit to emotion and darker moments, and she’s more than happy to alleviate the mood if Sam requires. 

Sam’s phone buzzes from the coffee table. She leans over and picks it up. Alex. 

The text reads: “how are you doing?” Simple. Clear. To the point. No emojis. Lena is already leaning over her shoulder to read it as well, she’s a nosy drunk, and all but guffaws when she sees it. 

“Does she always text you at all hours of the morning?” 

Sam rolls her eyes. “It’s barely midnight, Lena.” 

She types back: ‘I’m okay. Better. Thanks for your help the other night. I really appreciate it.”

Lena raises her eyebrows but, thank god, doesn’t comment. 

The next text comes a few seconds later: “how are you sleeping?” 

When asked about it later, Sam will blame the two and a half bottles of wine they’ve consumed, for what happens next. She’ll blame the slipperiness of her fingers and the fogginess of her mind. 

She sends back: “I sleep better when you’re here.” 

Lena reads it too, but her expression doesn’t so much as shift. Sam knows that she wants to ask if something is going on between the two of them. Sam desperately doesn’t want to answer, maybe because there isn’t something going on or maybe because she wants something to be going on. Lena undoubtedly already knows this, but she still doesn’t say anything. Bless Lena’s ability to read a room. 

Sam watches the little typing bubble appear and reappear. She wants for a few more heart-skipping seconds and then the bubble disappears altogether. Five minutes pass and she doesn’t get a response. Maybe she came on too strong? She didn’t even really meant it as a come-on. Just a statement, just the truth. 

They drink the other half of the bottle. Ten, twenty minutes goes by and her phone still doesn’t go off. She ends up half snuggled into Lena, on the couch. Lena is scrolling through something on her phone, over the top of Sam’s head, when there is a knock at the door. 

Sam pauses. Her first thought is Alex, but that would be ridiculous. Alex has a life, Alex has other things to do. It couldn’t possibly be Alex. The door opens by itself, Sam must have forgotten to lock it earlier after the repairman came, and Alex steps through the doorway. Sam sits up, with a start. 

Alex looks between the two of them. “Hey.”

Lena takes one look at the two of them, barely pays them any mind over the top of her phone, and says: “I dibs the couch.” 

Sam wants to fight her, say that Lena and Alex can share the bed, say that she’ll take the couch because they’re her guests. She, also, doesn’t say any of it. 

“Are you sure?” She asks, still half wrapped up in the other woman. 

Lena pats her on the head. “Yes. Do you want any wine, Alex?” 

Alex shakes her head. “I’ve got work early in the morning.”

Sam winces. “You didn’t have to come over.” 

Alex is still lingering near the door, standing with her arms tucked into her pockets. “I wanted to. I didn’t know Lena was over.” 

Lena shrugs half a shoulder, the alcohol in her system making the movement unbalanced. “The more, the merrier.” 

Lena is overcome with a yawn a few moments later and Sam sets about supplying her with some blankets and her comfiest pillow. 

“God, wine always makes me sleepy.” Lena runs a hand through her hair. “It’s terribly boring.” 

Sam laughs. “I don’t mind.” 

Lena snuggles underneath her blanket. “If I fall asleep, wake me up. I don’t wanna miss out on anything fun.” 

Alex watches her and laughs, softly. “Okay.” 

Lena is asleep in two minutes flat. Neither Sam or Alex can find the heart to wake her. They decide that it’s probably worth going to bed anyway, seeing as it’s edging on one in the morning and Alex really does have to work early. 

When they wander into Sam’s bedroom, she suddenly has to fight the urge not to be embarrassed. She hands Alex the same set of clothes she wore the first time she was over. 

“Don’t worry,” Sam finds herself saying. “I washed them.”

Alex laughs. “Okay.” 

She seems to sense Sam’s sudden discomfort and goes off to change in the bathroom. Sam uses the time to collect herself, change and apply some moisturizer to her face. She’s climbing into bed when Alex returns. 

Alex looks good in her clothes. To be fair, Alex looks good in everything. But it’s almost unfair how attractive she makes pyjamas look. It’s just t shirt and a pair of comfortable pants, both grey, but the way the shirt falls off of one of her shoulders highlights her collarbone. 

Alex turns to shut the door, and turns off the light. Sam manages to shake herself out of her reverie of staring. 

“Are you still okay with this?” Alex’s voice is firm, but gentle. Presented in a way that Sam knows if she ever did have a problem with sharing the bed, then Alex would have no qualms about sleeping on the floor. 

“Yeah.” Sam nods. It’s then that Alex crosses the room and gets into her side of the bed. Sam catches herself. Her side? It’s a worry that she’s started thinking like that, even in her wine addled state. 

Alex breaks her train of thought. “Is it too much? That I came over?” 

Sam shrugs. “I wanted you to. I just didn’t know how to say it.” 

The words are falling out of her mouth with little thought. It’s then that Sam knows that she should stop talking as much, but she doesn’t quite know how to stop herself. 

“I like having you here.” She keeps saying. “It really does help me. I’m scared so often, Alex, but I’m not scared when you’re here. It doesn’t even make sense, but I’m never scared when you’re here.” 

Alex doesn’t respond. Sam isn’t sure if it because Alex doesn’t know what to say or if she thinks that Sam is being ridiculous. Sam feels the anxiety and the nerves bubble up in her chest. She tries to ignore it, and she lays down to put some distance between her and the other woman. As if that would help. 

She can hear Alex breathing, turning over the words in her head. It takes a while before she speaks. 

“When Kara first came here, she was so scared of herself. She was scared of us being scared of her. She used to wake up every night, screaming. Sometimes crying. Sometimes both. I learnt to sit near her, in case she needed me. In case she needed someone.” 

Alex’s voice is wobbly, emotional, but she continues on. “She told me once that the grief and the guilt was suffocating. She was so young to have to deal with that. You’re too young to have to deal with that. I just, I don’t know, I want you to know that I’m here. I’ll learn what to do to help you. I’ll be here for as long as you need me to.” 

Sam exhales all her anxiety in one breath. “Thank you, Alex.” 

She holds her breath for a moment, tries her hardest to build up the courage and then she says: “I don’t want to cross any boundaries but, can you hold me?” 

The shame comes in an overwhelming wave. She regrets saying anything even as Alex immediately moves over and wraps an arm around her waist. She pulls her closer still and tucks her chin against Sam’s shoulder. It takes a few minutes of blinking back tears for Sam to be even remotely okay with asking for support. Her heart is still racing but she tries to calm it with practiced breathing. 

“I’ve got you.” Alex whispers. “You can go to sleep. I’ve got you.” 

— 

Sam wakes up to an empty bed. It’s not too bright, which means it’s not especially early, but Sam rolls over and is surprised to find the bed still warm. She sits up and rubs the sleep out of her eyes. She catches sight of a piece of paper on her bedside table. She picks it up, a familiar scrawl across it: 

“Morning,

Hope you slept well. I stole some toast and coffee. I took Ruby to school, so don’t worry about it. It was on the back of my motorcycle. Hope that’s okay. 

Love,  
Alex.” 

Sam can’t help the soft smile that spreads across her face. She’s pulling on a change of clothes when she pauses and rereads the letter. 

Love. Alex signed the letter with: love. 

She’s halfway through brushing her hair, when she mentally scolds herself. It could mean anything. It could have been a reflex, a habit. She doesn’t know how Alex signs her letters or notes. It could have been perfectly harmless. 

She’s managed to convince herself it doesn’t mean anything when there is a noise in the kitchen. A clatter, and then a voice. Sam tenses up immediately and quietly makes her way to the source of the noise. 

It’s only Lena, who is currently wrestling with her stove. She turns around, still in the clothes Sam gave her the previous night, and grins. 

“Morning, sleeping beauty.” She winks. “Do you want pancakes? Ruby told me they were your favourite.” 

“Sure.” Sam says and makes her way over to the kettle. It’s already been boiled. She grabs a mug from the cupboard above it and makes herself a coffee. 

She looks up at the clock on the wall. 8:33 a.m. 

She takes a sip of her drink. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” 

As if on cue, Lena’s phone —next to the stove— blares with an urgent ringtone. Lena switches it over to silent and manages a careless shrug. 

“I’m the CEO. I can show up whenever I want.” She flips a pancake with vigour. 

Sam seats herself at the bench top. “Sounds like a great way to run a business.”

Lena laughs. “I’m a taking sick day.”

Sam stares at her, eyebrows hiked up to her hairline. “You never take a sick day. It’s like a legend in the office.” 

“I want to spend the day with you.” Lena’s back is to her, and Sam wonders if that was the only way Lena could get the words out. 

Still, Sam feels suspicious. “I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“No.” Lena allows. “You don’t, I do. I’m a twenty four year old with a hangover. Eat pancakes and watch movies with me.” 

Sam sighs. “Well, fine. If I have to.” 

Lena grins and flips another pancake. “You do.” 

Sam thinks she can try and ignore the tragedy that lives in her hands, in her bones, for one afternoon. Lena hands her an inhuman stack of pancakes. 

“I can’t eat all of these.” Sam laughs. 

Lena shrugs. “I got excited. I’ve never cooked pancakes before.” 

To test, Sam takes a bite. “Holy shit. They’re great.” 

Lena raises an eyebrow, as if offended at the surprise. “I’m brilliant at everything I do.” 

“Except running.” Sam reminds her. 

“Except running.” Lena agrees.


	2. the world slows till there's nothing left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, another update. tbh, i just wrote this in a day in like a flurry but hopefully it makes sense as a progression from the last chapter. Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments! I love reading every single one of them. 
> 
> A lot more of Lena appears in this chapter and I'm trying to address some things that I eluded to in the previous chapter re: Kara and Lena. 
> 
> Title from "June" by Florence + The Machine.

Sam thinks that maybe things will start feeling normal again, when she’s standing in front of a bunch of investors, interested in the latest LCorp technology. Something in the way her suit jacket tucks around her figure makes her feel protected, assured. Lena is finally, finally letting her come back to work again and Sam is happy to feel at least somewhat useful in a space that doesn’t require her to think about what has happened to her.

She’s taken over more and more of the LCorp meetings the longer and longer that Kara has been away. She doesn’t like to think about it for a number of reasons but, namely, because of the effect it seems to be having on Lena.

It’s not that Lena isn’t working, because she is. Too much, one might say. Lena is spending all of her time inventing new technologies. Head stuck in some kind of wiring, down in the LCorp labs. She keeps shoeing away the other technicians so she can have the best space for herself. Sam understands it, really, as a coping mechanism. Keep your mind busy and it won’t have time to spiral. Sam definitely understands that. 

She just wishes that Lena would talk to her about it. Whatever Kara meant to her. Lena keeps calling the three of them friends, best friends, but Sam noticed that she only started doing it after Kara had called them that first. Sam isn’t sure if that means something, and what it means if it does.

‘So,’ Sam breathes in, smiling at the men gathered around the table. ‘Can we count on your support?’ 

All of the investors agree, which is better than what Sam hoped for, really. They did ask where Lena was, at the start of the meeting, and Sam had cited that she had other business to attend to. They’re starting to get used to Sam as the stand-in for Lena, but they ask after her as a courtesy. 

With the meeting over, Sam hurries to her office and drops off her paperwork. It’s only noon, which means if she’s quick she might catch Lena just before she disappears into the labs. She typically spends the mornings answering emails and fielding phone calls, before she all but vanishes from the face of the earth. 

She sprints to Lena’s office. Well, as quickly as one can sprint in sensible heels. Jess sees her coming and waves her in, without so much as a second glance. 

Sam can hear Lena shuffling paper in there—super hearing had started to come in about a week ago in weird patterns, sometimes she can’t hear more than the average person and sometimes she feels like she can hear everything. 

She doesn’t knock, because she doesn’t need to. But she forgets that Lena is fairly consistently in fear of her life, because the other woman visibly startles when Sam walks into the room. 

‘Shit.’ Sam winces. ‘Sorry. I should have knocked.’ 

Lena waves her hand dismissively. ‘It’s fine. Shut the door, will you?’

Sam does as she’s instructed, reminds herself that she has twenty minutes until her next meeting, and walks to stand opposite Lena’s desk. 

‘What’s up?’ Lena isn’t even looking at her, she’s too busy pouring over the schematics of something she refuses to disclose to Sam. She’d said something about sharing unfinished ideas being bad luck. 

‘I just wanted to see how you were.’ 

‘I’m good. If I can get this goddamn thing to work, I’d be better.’ 

‘Shouldn’t you take a break?’

That earns her a look, eyebrows raised in suspicion. 

‘Samantha.’ Lena says, hands clasped in front of her. ‘Whatever problem you’ve concocted in your head, I can assure you I’m perfectly fine.’ 

‘Kara left.’ 

Lean rolls her eyes. ‘She went on vacation. She didn’t leave the planet.’ 

Sam is never really sure if Lena doesn’t know Kara is SuperGirl, or if she doesn’t want to know. Either way, these veiled comments only leave Sam with more confusion than outright answers. 

‘Still.’ Sam crosses her arms, but she keeps her expression gentle. ‘It would be difficult, not to have her around.’ 

Lena narrows her eyes. ‘Where are you going with this, Arias? Out with it.’ 

Sam sighs. ‘Fine. I’m worried about you.’ 

‘I said I was good.’

‘You spend all your time in the lab! You never go home. Ruby keeps complaining about how she doesn’t see you anymore.’ 

Lena gathers up her papers and puts them into a folder. ‘Well, I do run a multi-billion dollar company, you know.’

Sam straightens up. ‘So do I.’ 

Lena’s lips quirk at the retort. ‘All right, you win. Do you want to go out tonight? I can ask Alex if she wants to join us.’ 

Sam ignores the barbed comment, and the flush that she can feel crawling up her neck, and shakes her head. 

‘Come home with me tonight. It’s too late notice to get a sitter.’ 

Lena smirks. ‘My, my, my. At least buy me dinner first.’ 

Sam laughs. ‘I will, but only because you’re becoming notorious in the lab for not eating anything all day.’ 

Lena shrugs. ‘I forget.’ 

Sam levels her with a more serious stare. ‘Set reminders.’ 

Lena grins. ‘Yes, mom.’ 

A chirp brings their attention to Sam’s pocket. She pulls out her phone and sees that her twenty minutes is almost up. 

‘I have to go.’ She explains. 

Lena nods. ‘Good luck with the sharks.’ 

‘Meet me in my office at five, no later. I want to get home and cook dinner.’ 

‘So domestic.’ Lena teases, but she holds up three fingers. ‘I’ll be there. Scout’s honour.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes at the other woman’s dramatics and makes to leave the room. It feels easy, being with Lena like this. Friendly and comforting. But Sam knows that there’s always an undercurrent of tension in the room, things that neither woman is addressing. They have tragedy in their blood. Sam had the fate of a world on her shoulders, forced out of her own mind. Lena has the weight of her family’s name, and the constant threat of death looming over her shoulder. 

Sam understands the need to make light of things, to make constant jokes. She’s not sure how they’d get through it otherwise.

When she gets back to her office and has picked up the next stack of paperwork, her phone chimes again. This time it’s Alex. 

It reads: ‘how are the powers going? anything unusual to report?’ 

When Sam first said that she’d been breaking things in her house far more frequently than she should be, Alex asked her if they could do some preliminary tests on her and track them against Kara’s results. The DEO kept Kara’s records on file, and it would be easy to access. Alex had insisted that they would only do it if Sam was comfortable, and ultimately it was the care in Alex’s expression that had convinced her to do it. 

When Ruby went to soccer practice, Sam and Alex took a trip to the DEO and did a quick round of tests. Her powers were coming in slowly—strength first, like Alex hypothesised it would—and would continue to develop the more time she spent in the sun. It was odd, to think that the sun was the cause of all the abilities that she gaining. 

It’s hard not to wish that Kara is around, in moments like these, because Kara would know exactly what to say. She experienced it first, after all. But Sam has long made her peace with Kara’s decision—she lost a world and a people, she has all the rights to want to experience those things again. Sam would never begrudge her that, but sometimes Sam wishes that Kara might have thought to take her with her. 

It sounds selfish, when she hears herself think it, because she has a daughter and a life on earth and she’s never really been a Kryptonian in anything other than name. But still, she feels lonely here. Different. The body that she thought she knew is no longer familiar—her hands can crush metal without even thinking about it, her ears can pick up sounds she never even knew existed. She doesn’t feel at home on Earth anymore. She doesn’t even feel at home in her own body. 

Sam manages to type back: ‘nothing more than extra hearing today,’ as she walks down the hallway to the next meeting room. She nearly collides with an intern, when she looks up from her phone, but her reflexes move her out of the way just before it happens. It’s another reminder that her body is so much more different than before Reign took it over, and it’s so startling that Sam’s hands are shaking when she sets down her paperwork. 

She has ten minutes, she tells herself. Ten minutes until the clients walk in, with the intention of purchasing shares in new food longevity technology that Lena has been developing for some seven months time. She has ten minutes to get her hands to stop shaking, and to get her shit together.

She practises evening out her breathing, like Alex taught her. It seems to be working too, because she manages to calm her racing heart enough that she feels like she has a grip on things when the clients knock on the door. 

She puts on her best businesswoman smile—a stellar and bright thing— and opens the door. 

——

Sam is a little shocked when she walks into her office and sees Lena sitting at her desk. Lena, thank god, had the foresight to turn on the lamp so she doesn’t startle the other woman, but Sam is still a little jolted when she catches sight of her. 

‘It’s 5:03.’ Lena supplies. 

‘Punctual.’ Sam quips, as she puts the relevant files away in the right folders.

She picks up her blazer off the back of one of the chairs, when she’s thrown it when it had gotten too hot during the afternoon, and pulls it on. Lena watches her, but she doesn’t seem to paying attention. Knowing her, she’s probably solving quantum physics in her head. Sam never had a head for mathematics in the same way that Lena has, so it amazes her when she watches the other woman solves some kind of equation or other over the top of a cup of coffee, as if it were that morning’s crossword puzzle.

‘Are you fine with us taking my car?’ Sam asks, when she’s done sorting through her things. 

‘Sure.’ Lena stands up and brushes imaginary lint off of her clothes. ‘But it’s not going to help the rumours that are circulating around the water cooler.’ 

‘Oh, please.’ Sam scoffs. ‘As if we’re the topic of office gossip.’ 

‘I did make you my CFO rather suddenly.’

‘Yes.’ Sam acknowledges, as she walks through her doorway. ‘Because I’m good. Not because..’ 

Lena raises an eyebrow, a teasing smile pulling at her lips as she follows her out. ‘Not because I’m fucking you?’ 

Sam lets out an unexpected bark of laughter. ‘Exactly.’ 

Lena raises her hands in defence. ‘I can’t control what the interns speculate about us. But Jess does keep me updated.’ 

Sam wrinkles her nose in disgust. ‘Please give that woman a raise.’

Lena’s smile becomes much more gentle. ‘I already have.’ 

They make their way down the garage, to Sam’s expensive ‘work car’ as Lena had dubbed it. Professional perks and whatnot, she’d said at the time, when she saw the look of shock on Sam’s face at the initial sight of it. Sam slips into the driver’s seat and waits until Lena is buckled into the passenger seat before she starts the car and pulls out of her parking space. 

They’re only driving for about five minutes, lulled into silence by the sound of traffic, when Sam taps her fingers on her steering wheel. 

Lena lets out a heavy sigh. ‘What?’ 

Sam glances at her, before shifting her eyes back to the road. ‘What?’

‘You’re thinking too hard. I can hear the gears grinding in your head.’ 

‘Rude. And I was just… Are you sure you’re okay?’

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘For the love of god. Yes. I’m fine.’ 

‘I’m just saying it would be hard, losing a… friend.’ 

Sam can see Lena staring at her, out of the corner of her eye. ‘You paused.’ 

Sam takes her time turning down a street before she answers. ‘Yeah, and?’ 

‘Why did you pause, Arias? Stop playing games with me.’ 

Sam considers playing off the whole thing as concentrating on driving. She knows that Lena will let it go, too, even if she doesn’t believe her.

‘Did you and Kara ever… I mean, were you ever…’ She trails off and slows the car to a stop, as the traffic lights in front of them flicker to red. 

Lena’s staring out the window. ‘No. God, do you read into gossip too?’ 

‘Of course not. You’ve just been…’

‘Busy?’

‘Distant. You seem upset. Well, as upset as you get without wine in you.’ 

Lena scoffs. ‘It’s not my fault that I’m an emotional drunk.’ 

‘Sure.’

‘I am handling it, Sam.’ 

‘That’s what worries me.’ 

‘Fine. I’ll answer your actual question properly if you answer one of mine first.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes, but she smiles. ‘You Luthors and your games.’

Lena waits until they’re parked in the garage before she speaks. ‘What’s going on between you and Alex?’ 

Sam’s chest tightens. ‘Nothing.’

Lena’s eyebrows reach her hairline. ‘You’re a terrible liar. It’s an affront to the rest of us competent liars.’ 

‘I mean it. Nothing is going on.’ 

‘So… She stays the night like, three nights a week minimum. She picks up your kid from school all the time. She shows up at your place at a drop of a hat and shares the bed with you. But nothing’s going on?’ 

Sam watches the garage door close. ‘Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like there’s something going on.’ 

Lena sighs. ‘Exactly. Look, I’ve had relationships like this before. You need to sort it out before it becomes messy. Well, messier.’ 

‘It’s not a relationship. It’s not anything.’ Sam chooses that moment to open the car door and duck out to relative safety.

‘Do you like her?’ Lena’s voice carries over the sound of her own car door closing.

Sam pauses, just as she’s about to put her key in the door. ‘Of course I like her. We’re friends.’

‘Stop being obtuse, please.’ 

‘Fine. I might like her. Okay, fine, yes I do. But that’s not relevant right now. There’s too much going on with Ruby, with… the other things. I can’t get into that, with her.’ 

Lena smiles, but its tinged with an old sadness that makes Sam’s heart ache. ‘There never really is the right time for anything. But I trust you to know when you’re ready.’ 

‘Besides, she probably doesn’t even like me… like that.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘Oh please. Now isn’t the time for false modesty, Samantha.’ 

Sam opens the door and immediately hears Alex and Ruby in the kitchen. She chooses to ignore Lena’s words and all that they could imply, because it opens a floodgate of thoughts in her head. Could Alex actually… Would Alex actually want to… No, of course not. Sam tells herself she’s being ridiculous. Alex is merely a very supportive friend, nothing more.

‘Don’t forget I’m making you answer my question, later. And technically you asked two questions, so I’m asking two.’ Sam reminds the other woman, as they walk through the hallway.

‘Fine. Whatever.’ Lena elbows her as some kind of non-verbal retaliation. Sam laughs, in response and tries to duck out of the way.

Ruby launches herself into her mother’s arms when they make it to the kitchen. Sam feels her throat tighten. Ruby has gotten into the habit of doing that, ever since they’d dealt with Reign. As if she’s never quite sure when she’ll get to see her mother again, or if she’ll be taken over by another world ending entity who has none of her mother’s gentle expressions. 

Sam revels in these moments, not just because they won’t last forever but also because there have been moments where she wasn’t sure if she would come back. It’s a terrifying feeling, really, to be forced out of her own mind and have something else—something evil and something with no regard for the safety of those Sam cares the most about—take over herself completely. The worst thing is that Ruby will be able to see footage of something with her mother’s face and body, doing such terrible things. 

‘How was work?’ It’s Alex that asks that question and pulls Sam out of her thoughts. 

She’s leaning against the bench top in a form fitting button up and jeans. It looks like she’s helped herself to the fridge, too, if the glass of orange juice is anything to go by. The thought that Alex feels comfortable enough to do that fills Sam with a kind of giddiness that she has to actively try and restrain. 

Sam manages a shrug. ‘It was fine. A lot of meetings.’

‘That sucks.’ Ruby responds, voice muffled as she’s still attached to her mother.

Lena hoists herself onto one of the bench stools. ‘Sure, no one ask me how my day was.’ 

Alex rolls her eyes, but grins in the direction of the brunette. ‘How was your day?’ 

Lena shrugs. ‘Uneventful. Apart from when Sam decided to drag me out of the lab at a respectable hour.’ 

‘Good.’ Alex gives her a look that Sam’s often seen her give Kara. Scolding. ‘You work too much.’ 

Ruby nods and sits next to Lena. ‘You do.’ 

She says it as if she doesn’t already agree with everything Alex says, as a default. It makes Sam shake her head and smile. Ruby admires Alex so much, an alarming amount really. If Sam liked Alex less, she might be inclined to feel a little jealous. But she doesn’t, because Alex has always been more than accomodating. 

‘I got to ride Alex’s motorbike home, mom!’ Ruby announces in glee, and then shrinks when she realises that they never spoke about it. ‘Was that okay?’ 

Sam nods and walks to the fridge. She brushes past Alex, hand grazing Alex’s back, and tries not to think about it. Alex is grinning up at her. Her eyes crinkled and, to be honest, she looks more than a little ridiculous. It makes Sam’s heart race anyway. It’s been long enough that Sam has been able to acknowledge, at least internally, that she is attracted to Alex. Has a crush on her, one might say, if they wanted to be childish about it. 

‘It’s okay. We spoke about it.’ Sam supplies, at length. 

Ruby’s forehead crinkles in confusion. ‘When?’

Oh. Right. That conversation had taken place, the morning after another one of the times that Alex had spent the night in Sam’s bed. Alex had woken up, somehow still looking ridiculously attractive with mused hair and a husky sleep-addled voice. Sam had been so taken with staring at the other woman’s face she hadn’t realised she was speaking. Then, they talked about the safety of motorcycles and how Alex promised to drive ten miles under the speed limit whenever Ruby was on the back of her bike.

‘You were at school.’ Alex interjects. 

Lena coughs to cover a laugh. Sam wants to insist that it isn’t whatever the other woman is clearly thinking, but she’s not sure that the reality is much better. 

‘Do you have any homework to do, Ruby?’ Sam asks, eternally grateful that she can always use that as an excuse to change the subject. 

Ruby begrudgingly nods. ‘Science.’ 

Lena perks up. ‘I’ll help you with it. Let’s go sit on the couch.’ 

Ruby becomes significantly more enthusiastic about the prospect of learning, after that. She rushes off to her room and grab her homework in such a flurry that Sam is worried she’s going to trip over her undone shoelaces. 

Alex takes a sip of her juice. ‘You really wanna do basic science homework, Lena?’

Lena shrugs. ‘I like giving back to the community. I’m a generous soul.’

Sam laughs. ‘Modest, too.’

Lena winks, as she hops off the stool and walks to the living room. Alex chuckles, watching her as she goes, and then drains the rest of her drink. 

‘I should hit the road.’ She straightens up. 

Sam tries to curb her sudden wave of disappointment. ‘So soon?’ 

Alex smiles apologetically. ‘DEO business, I have to check out a lead. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe, first.’

That soothes the sting somewhat, that Alex cares about something so mundane as her coming home from a day of work. Alex fetches her leather jacket from the couch and says goodbye to everyone. Ruby hugs her, firmly, and makes Alex promise to let her ride the motorcycle again. Lena gives her a warm smile, which is basically her version of a tight hug. 

Sam walks Alex out the front door. ‘Thanks again. For picking Ruby up.’ 

Alex shrugs. ‘My pleasure. She’s a lot of fun.’ 

‘I know right. She’s the coolest.’ 

Alex laughs. ‘How are you doing? I meant to check in, before, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of Ruby.’ 

Sam stiffens a little. Not because Alex asked, necessarily, but because it feels a little bit too much like a doctor’s check-in. She shakes away her nerves, though, and tries to tell herself that Alex is just being a considerate friend.

‘I’m okay. Getting better at… things.’ 

Alex nods and pulls on her helmet. ‘Call me if you need me. Anytime.’ 

‘I will.’ 

‘I mean it.’

‘I know. I’ve called you before.’ 

Alex shrugs and Sam can only see her eyes through her helmet, but they’re shining with concern. ‘It bears repeating.’ 

Sam watches Alex peal away on her bike, and then heads back inside. She smiles reflexively when she hears two sets of laughter coming from the living room. Lena is making some dumb science joke and Ruby is eating it up, because she thinks Lena is hilarious and not a giant dork who wears a lot of pantsuits, for some reason. 

——

It’s ten pm when Sam finally manages to convince Ruby to go to bed. Sam fully blames Lena for that. The other woman had accepted Sam’s many offers to stay the night, after Sam insisted there was really no need to Lena to head home, so they’d spent the night watching movies.

Sam and Lena are curled up on opposite ends of the couch, when Sam stretches her arms above her head and heaves out a sigh. 

Lena raises an eyebrow. ‘That bad, huh?’ 

Sam nods and covers a yawn. ‘Yep. But the day’s over now, and it had the most meetings in it, so I’m just thanking god it’s over.’ 

Lena nods in the direction of Sam’s bedroom. ‘Go get some sleep. You look like you need it.’ 

Sam scoffs and shakes her head. ‘I could say the same for you. Besides, I still need to ask you my questions.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes, but waves her on with a kind of indifference that Sam knows must have been practised. 

‘Okay.’ Sam begins. ‘Why did you break up with James?’ 

Lena sighs. ‘I need wine to have this conversation.’ 

‘Nope. I didn’t have wine when you asked about Alex, you don’t get to have wine now.’ 

Lena faux glares at her, but takes her time to consider the question anyway. Sam watches her face crinkle with thoughtfulness. An attractive wrinkle appears between her eyebrows, as she stares at the fabric of the couch. 

‘It was a salve.’ Lena says, eventually. ‘It seemed like everything I thought I needed, so I kept seeing him. It turns out it wasn’t what I wanted, though, so I ended it.’ 

Sam nods. ‘Was Kara what you wanted?’ 

In truth, she expects Lena to shut down. She expects Lena to make a joke, or to call the accusation ridiculous. She expects Lena to use any number of boardroom tactics that she knows Lena has memorised into her very marrow, to avoid having to answer the question. 

Perhaps it’s a testament to how much Lena has grown over the past year or so, when she answers with: ‘Partially, yes.’ 

Sam pauses, and waits to see if Lena will elaborate. When it’s clear she won’t speak any more on the subject, Sam reaches across the couch and nudges her gently on the shoulder.  
‘Do you wanna elaborate?’ 

Lena breathes out a shaky breath, and its then that Sam pulls Lena closer to her and lets the other woman settle her head onto Sam’s shoulder. She takes a few moments to collect herself, and Sam lets her do this without saying anything. So much of Lena’s life has been constructed, she’s not about to let her difficult conversations feel constructed as well. 

‘I still don’t know if I loved her because she believed in me. Because, at the time, she was the only one who believed in me. Or I loved her because… well, I was in love with her. Half of me thinks that the only reason I was remotely interested in her was because she cared about me in a way that only a handful of people have before. The other half wants to believe this isn’t true. It can’t be true, because that makes my feelings for her… a construction. Something disingenuous. Either one hurts far more than I care to think about, because she’s not here. She left, and I understand why she did it. I wouldn’t want to force her to stay. But, still, she left.’ 

Sam feels her shoulder get damp and moves her hand, to run her fingers through Lena’s hair. She takes a moment to absorb the fact that Lena said ‘love.’ She hadn’t expected that, but it makes sense. Lena attaches herself so strongly to those that show her any kindness. Growing up in a household where cruelty is second nature will do that to a person. 

‘Just because someone believes in you doesn’t make your love for them any less real.’ Sam says. 

Lena chuckles, through her tears. ‘Easy for you to say.’ 

Sam doesn’t disagree with her, though she could. When she got pregnant, no one believed in her. No one wanted to give her a chance. Not her family, not even a fair amount of strangers when they learnt that her pregnancy was an accident. But saying that won’t help Lena, so Sam keeps her thoughts to herself. 

‘You’ll move past it.’ Sam settles on. 

Lena sniffs and sits up. She’s wiping at her eyes, as if that will erase all evidence of the conversation. What she says next is so quiet that Sam is sure that without super-hearing she wouldn’t have been able to catch it. 

‘What if I don’t want to?’ 

— —

Sam is back at the DEO, a week later. Lena has given her the day off, to go and get some more tests down. Sam is a jittery mess—of which she is blaming on the coffee she had on the way here—even though she knows that Alex will be present and is likely to be the one running any and all of her tests. Sam isn’t sure how Alex manages to be available every time Sam has to come to the DEO, but she’s grateful for it nonetheless. 

Sam goes through the usual security protocol and meets Alex in a med bay. Alex greets her with a warm hug, wraps both arms around her waist and holds her securely. Of all the hugs that Alex greets her with, these are by far her favorite. They make her feel the safest, as if Alex could remove, even for one second, the weight of everything that Sam is trying to pretend like she’s coping with. 

‘Should we get started?’ Alex asks, when she releases her. 

They begin with the easiest stuff first. They test Sam’s strength by getting her to punch through concrete and measuring the force of each strike. She’s getting stronger with every test, and she’s fast approaching Kara’s level of strength. That fills her with more anxiety than she wants to acknowledge. She knows, because she watched the tapes even though everyone told her not to, that Reign was stronger than Kara. She knows that that means she’ll probably be stronger than Kara, eventually. She doesn’t want to think about the dread that that fills her with. 

Amidst testing her powers, Alex has also been helping her control them. Her strength was the scariest one to confront. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone close to her, so the minute she saw that she was getting stronger, she stopped hugging people as much. Alex told her outright, one night when they were curled up in Sam’s bed, that that approach was always only going to do more harm than good. Kara had tried it, she’d explained, and it had only taught her to fear and hate herself and what she was becoming. 

Alex had helped her practice how to be with people, how to touch them without fear of hurting them. It still takes some adjustment, every time her strength increases, but she’s learning how not to be scared of herself—or what she could do to others. The nightmares of Reign’s memories aren’t helping with that, but she’s trying to take things one step at a time. 

They move onto testing her super hearing next. Alex blasts some kind of frequency that she’s, apparently, not supposed to be able to hear. She can, though. Alex notes that down in on the clipboard she’s been carrying around all day. 

They test flying as well, how high she can get and things like that. So far, it’s more hovering than it is actually flying, but Sam is getting better at being able to move around and recognise when her feet aren’t touching the ground. 

Heat vision, freeze breath and the rest of Kara’s powers haven’t come through yet. Alex is certain that they will, because it’s clear that Reign had all of those abilities, and she keeps telling Sam not to be scared when they do appear. The concern is nice and all, but it starts to grate on Sam the more and more Alex keeps saying.

‘Would you stop?’ Sam asks, when they’re sweeping up concrete dust. 

Alex glances at her, confused. ‘Stop what?’ 

Sam sighs, regretting her abrasive tone already. ‘Could you stop telling me not to be afraid? I get it, okay? I’m trying not to be scared all the time, but sometimes I am and I just… have to deal with that.’ 

Alex puts down her broom in such a delicate manner that it almost makes Sam laugh. ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ 

‘I know you didn’t. It’s just…’ 

Alex’s lips quirk. ‘Annoying?’ 

Sam focuses on sweeping. ‘I wasn’t going to say that.’ 

Alex smiles. ’Bet you were thinking it though.’ 

Sam puts down her broom, then, as well. ‘I don’t want to sound ungrateful. It’s just difficult to hear.’ 

Alex raises her hands. ‘You don’t sound ungrateful. Look, some of my advice will be derivative. To be honest, I’m just rehashing a lot of what I said to Kara growing up. But I get that you’re not a thirteen year old.’ 

Sam smirks. ‘Glad you noticed.’ 

Alex laughs. ‘I just don’t want you to feel the way she did.’

Sam’s smile drops. ‘What way did she feel?’

‘Just frightened all the time. Anxious and overwhelmed. It wasn’t just the powers, sure, but that was part of it. She wouldn’t touch anyone for the longest time. I don’t want you to feel like that.’ 

Sam nods and crosses over to Alex. ‘You must miss her.’

Alex shrugs. Her poker face is good, but Sam has spent enough time with her to see her expression flicker. 

‘She’s my sister.’ Alex says. ‘Of course I miss her.’

‘You can tell me, you know. When you’re sad or something.’ 

Alex raises her eyebrows. ‘Or something?’  
Sam breathes out half a laugh. ‘I’m trying to give you a pep talk.’ 

‘Yeah, and not succeeding.’ 

‘Hey!’ Sam half heartedly shoves Alex. She winces when Alex stumbles a little further than she meant to make her. ‘I’m just saying. It doesn’t just have to be you supporting me all the time. I can support you to.’ 

Alex smiles, something soft and gentle. ‘You do support me.’ 

Sam nods and picks up the broom again to give herself something to do. Her chest is in flutters and her fingers are practically shaking because Alex looks at her with so much tenderness that half of Sam thinks that this whole thing isn’t one-sided. 

‘Good.’ She says, and begins sweeping again. ‘That’s the way it’s supposed to be.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, any comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. :)


	3. all night I have been flickering off, on, off, on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update! Because I got inspired and wrote again after all your wonderful comments.
> 
> So, i kinda of lied to you all when I said this was only going to be a three part thing. I cannot resolve the entire thing in three chapters - it's too much! instead, this is going to be longer. Who knows how much longer but I can definitely see at least five chapters are needed to resolve all the issues that I want to address, so. On the plus side, that means this thing ain't over yet. 
> 
> I just want to thank you all for all of your support! It really does help the writing process to know that there are people that are enjoying reading this, as much as I am enjoying writing it. 
> 
> This chapter is a little bit longer than the others, but hopefully it doesn't drag on. 
> 
> The bakery part of this chapter is low-key inspiring by recent (dumb) events to do with that case about that bakery who refused to make a cake for a gay couple.
> 
> Title is from Fever 103 by Sylvia Plath.

The first time Alex calls her, Sam is just about to get into bed. Quite literally, she’s standing with one leg in the air when her phone rings. She sighs—immediately assuming that it’s about work—and turns around to her nightside. Instead, she sees the ID ‘Alex’ flicker on her phone screen. 

When she answers, heart rating picking up, the first thing she hears is an ungodly blare of music. 

‘Hello?’ She tries, and then louder. ‘Alex, are you there?’ 

‘Sam?’ She hears, crackling over the line, barely distinguishable about the roar in the background. ‘Can you come pick me up? I’m sick of sitting at this bar.’ 

It takes five minutes for Sam to wheedle out the actual location of the bar from a very, very drunk Alex. Sam is, at least in that moment, thankful for her super hearing, because she’s not sure she should have been able to hear the other woman without it. She focuses on the sound of Alex’s voice and tries to tune out the sounds of everything else around her. 

She slips on a pair of jeans and a loose fitting top, and makes her way out of the house.

When she gets in the car, a moment later, she realises that she’s completely forgotten to let Ruby know that she was going anywhere. It far too late—edging on one in the morning—for Ruby to actually be awake, but her daughter has a habit of getting up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Sam hurries inside and scribbles down a message on a piece of paper. 

She reads over it, when she sticks it on the fridge: 

‘Hey Ruby, 

Went to get Alex. I’ll be back soon. 

I love you,  
Mom.’ 

Satisfied that her daughter won’t succumb to a heart attack when she realises her mother isn’t home, Sam makes her way to the bar. 

The instant she pulls into a carpark, she sees several pride flags plastered against the windows. She’s not surprised, per say, to find Alex at a gay bar. She is a little surprised, though, that Alex called her to come and pick her up. It’s not that Alex doesn’t talk about being gay around her, it’s just that Sam has come to believe that Alex is a very private person when it comes to the specifics of it. Scared of oversharing and making other people uncomfortable. 

Sam is a little startled when the first thing she sees, when she walks into "Pryde Bar," is a man in nothing but a thong and a sleeveless shirt. She shrugs off her shock pretty quickly though, because she’s been to numerous wild parties in the past. She was, perhaps, the instigator of a lot of them, too, if she really wants to think about it. 

The bar is too crowded for Sam to see Alex initially, and she can’t hear Alex speaking over the roar of the music and the chattering of everyone else. So, like a normal person, she walks over to the bartender. 

‘What can I get you?’ He asks, with a friendly smile. 

She smiles back. ‘Um, I’m looking for a woman.’ 

‘Aren’t we all?’ A woman remarks from her left, and raises a bottle of beer in what Sam assumes is an attempt at drunken solidarity. 

‘She’s about this high.’ Sam continues on, with a wry smile. ‘Short, red hair. Usually wearing a leather jacket and a scowl.’ 

‘Oh.’ The bartender straightens up and points over to the other side of the counter. ‘She’s over there. You must be the girl she won’t shut up about.’ 

Sam’s pulse quickens and, before she can stop herself, her mind is racing with possibilities. Alex is talking about her to other people here? Alex won’t shut up about her? Alex actually wants to talk about her when she’s drunk and in a room full of strangers? 

When Sam finally manages to squeeze her way past several dancing people, she sees Alex slumped over the bar’s counter. A woman is on her left and appears to be consoling her, with a hand on her shoulder. 

The woman is the first one to notice her. ‘You must be Kara.’ 

Sam ignores the sinking feeling in her stomach. Of course, of course Alex has been talking about her sister. She shakes her head, in response. 

‘No.’ She says. ‘I’m Sam. Kara is her sister.’ 

Hearing her voice, Alex turns around. ‘Sam?’ 

Sam smiles, because that’s her natural response whenever Alex is around, but she takes a look at the expression of such profound sadness on the other woman’s face that she can’t help but feel her heart tighten. 

‘Hey, party girl.’ She murmurs. 

The other woman, sensing that Sam does actually know Alex, steps away respectfully. She casts one last supportive smile at Alex and nods at Sam when she leaves. 

‘How did you get here?’ Alex asks, as Sam takes a seat next to her. 

‘You called me.’ Sam supplies, and takes a glance at the empty shot glasses next to Alex. Many shot glasses. In fact, far too many shot glasses than one woman should be having on a school night. 

‘I did?’ Alex repeats, her confusion making pretty lines across her forehead, as she stares ahead at the counter. 

‘Yeah.’ Sam nudges her gently with her shoulder. ‘Come on. Let’s get you home, babe.’ 

She doesn’t mean for the pet name to slip out. But it does. Sam tries not to immediately fall into an anxious spiral, because Alex is drunk and she probably didn’t even hear her say it. 

Alex laughs and raises her beer bottle to her lips. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re one of those straight girls who calls every woman she knows ‘babe.’’ 

Sam stiffens, but quirks an eyebrow at the assumption. ‘I can’t be. Because I’m not straight.’ 

Alex freezes, coughs on her last mouthful of beer. ‘What?’ 

Sam smiles, somewhat delighted that she’s managed to shock the other woman. She repeats herself slowly: ‘I’m not straight.’

‘Good for you!’ She hears someone shout from across the bar. Sam laughs.

Alex, however, is not as amused. She can’t seem to get her facial expression to move between shock and confusion. She puts down her beer bottle, at Sam’s gesture, and gets up. She stumbles a bit, so Sam grabs her arm to steady her. 

‘You’re not straight?’ Alex repeats, in some cloud of drunken disbelief. 

‘Yes.’ Sam says, patiently. ‘I’m bi, for future reference.’ 

Alex goes quiet, as they walk out of the bar. It’s not something that Sam discloses readily. When she was younger, she wanted to be liked. So, she went to a lot of parties and danced with a lot of people. The guys she liked always dared her to kiss random girls, and when she was drunk enough, she agreed it was a good idea. That was when Sam began to realise that maybe she couldn’t call herself straight, if she was actively seeking out girls to kiss at random parties. 

It was difficult to tell other people that, though, because most often they didn’t believe her. They thought she was a party girl. They thought that she was doing it for attention. They thought that she couldn’t possibly like it, unless there was someone else there to watch it happen. So, Sam stopped telling people. Lena knew, of course, but Lena always had a habit of dragging the truth out of Sam unintentionally. 

Sam manages to get Alex into the passenger seat of her car. The other woman had gone quiet and Sam was worried that she’d fallen asleep, but instead she found Alex staring resolutely at the dash of her car.

‘I miss her, Sam.’ 

Sam pulls out of the car park. ‘I know.’ 

‘It’s gonna sound so selfish and I know I’m a complete jerk for saying this. But I didn’t want her to leave. I get it, she wants to be with her people and she wants to not be alien. But I thought… I don’t know. Maybe I did sacrifice a lot for her, but I never imagined her not being around. I never wanted that. If I had to do it all again, I would. But she left and I miss her and normally I’d call her tonight but I can’t because she’s gone. She’s just… gone. And I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. I know she wants to be with her family, but I thought I was her family. But I guess… I’m not. Not really.’ 

Somewhere in the middle of Alex’s speech, she’d begun crying softly. Sam has never seen Alex truly sob, and even now she’s still only letting a few tears fall down her cheeks. Sam wishes she could hug her, but right now she has to focus on getting them home in one piece. 

‘I’m so sorry.’ She settles on. ‘It doesn’t sound selfish.’

Alex shrugs and pulls her jacket tighter around her. ‘Did I wake you?’

Sam glances down at her clothes. ‘No. I was about to get into bed, but I was still awake.’ 

‘Sorry.’ 

Sam gives Alex a smile. ‘It’s okay. I wanted you to call me. I’m glad you did.’ 

‘Still, you have so much on your plate. I didn’t want to add this to it.’

‘Alex.’ Sam looks at the other woman, as they pull to a stop in front of a red light. ‘You’re not a burden to me. You’ll never be a burden to me.’ 

Alex takes a shaky inhale, and they don’t speak for the rest of the car ride. 

Somehow they end up on the couch, when they get home, sitting on opposite ends of it. Sam wants to pull Alex into some kind of embrace, to comfort her in the same way that Alex has comforted her so many times before, but she doesn’t want to make Alex uncomfortable. So, she settles for giving Alex warm and supportive looks from across the couch.

Alex is holding a glass of water and is sipping at it, intermittently. 

‘Come here.’ Sam prompts, when she sees the other woman shift.

Alex shrugs, again, a small movement in her shoulders. ‘I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.’ 

‘You won’t.’ Sam assures. ‘But you don’t have to come over here if you don’t want to.’ 

At that, Alex sighs, seeming to reach some kind of answer with a battle within herself. She shuffles over until she’s more or less in Sam’s lap. Sam adjusts them, careful not to jostle Alex too much so as to spill the glass of water. They end up with Alex’s back pressed against Sam’s front. Alex’s head is resting her Sam’s collarbones, and out of habit Sam begins to run her fingers through Alex’s hair. She wraps her other arm around Alex’s middle, to hold her in place and ensure that she doesn’t drunkenly roll of the couch.

‘Why are you so nice to me?’ Alex whispers. 

Sam glances at her, and sees that her eyes are closed. ‘Because I care about you.’ 

Sam hears her breathing even out and realises that Alex has fallen asleep. It’s then that Sam is overcome by a yawn, but she can’t bring herself to move. So, she closes her eyes and leans back against the arm of the couch. 

——

Sam is awoken by a bright stream of light and the noise of clattering dishes in the kitchen. She groans and rubs at her eyes. She definitely has a crick in her neck and she’s strained her back from her awkward sleeping position. Why did she fall asleep on the couch, again? Oh. Right. Sam’s eyes snap open and she sees Alex, now curled up with her mouth pressed into Sam’s neck somehow, asleep on top of her. 

The dishes clatter again. Oh, shit. Ruby. The shame that fills her chest is instant, but she tries to force it down.

Ruby, to her credit, is already getting ready for school and is currently pouring cereal into a bowl.

She glances at Sam. ‘Morning, mom.’ 

Sam narrows her eyes. Ruby’s tone is even, and not even a little bit suspicious, but that in itself is strange. Ruby always reacts wildly to something new, to something shocking, particularly when its in relation to her mother. 

‘Um.’ Sam clears her throat and tries desperately to ignore the feelings that stir in her when Alex nuzzles into her neck. ‘Good morning. What time is it?’ 

‘About eight o’clock. I got up a little bit earlier today.’ 

Sam winces. ‘Sorry I didn’t wake you.’ 

Ruby shrugs and pours milk into her cereal. ‘I set an alarm.’ 

Sam hears Alex sigh and then feels her freeze, when she completely wakes up. Alex picks up her head, squints at the light and then seems to realise exactly where they are and who she is on top of her. She’s embarrassed too, if the flush that’s crawling up her neck and taking over her face is anything to go by. 

Sam quirks her eyebrows. ‘Good morning, sleepyhead.’ 

Alex groans. ‘Be quiet, please.’

Ruby laughs around a mouthful of cereal. ‘Hi, Alex.’

Alex stiffens, searching Sam’s face for some kind of reproach. She doesn’t find it though, because Sam is making an effort to keep her facial expression neutral. She’s going to have to talk to Ruby about this, again, at some point. But she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it.

‘Hello, Ruby.’ Alex answers, at length, and stifles another groan when she peels herself away from Sam. 

At that, Sam gets up. She does have a day of work to ready for, after all. She laughs when she sees Alex shielding her eyes from the daylight streaming into the living room. 

‘Go nap.’ Sam gestures to her bedroom. ‘I have to get ready for work.’ 

‘Technically.’ Alex pauses when she’s overcome by a yawn. ‘So do I.’ 

Sam shrugs, ‘Call in sick. You look like shit.’ 

She hears Ruby gasp in amazement. ‘Mother, you swore.’ 

Sam holds up her hands. ‘I did. One time thing.’ 

‘Can I swear?’ 

‘No.’ 

‘But — but you just did.’ 

Sam raises an eyebrow. ‘And?’ 

Ruby slumps in defeat, and Sam is so overcome by affection for her daughter that she can’t help but smile and sigh. 

‘You get one ‘hell yeah’ today. Use it wisely.’ 

Ruby grins and rinses her bowl in the sink. ‘Awesome.’ 

Alex laughs at the display and then winces at the pain it causes. ‘Have a good day at school, Ruby.’

Ruby nods. ‘Have a good day of naps.’ 

Ruby sets about finishing getting ready for school. So, Sam realises that she’s going to have to start doing the same soon or she’ll be late. She skips breakfast because she doesn’t have the time, but manages to down a scalding cup of coffee and then heads to her room to get dressed. 

Alex is already wrapped up in her blanket when she gets there. She takes a glance at Alex and sees that she’s still wearing the clothes she wore last night. 

‘You know.’ Sam starts, as she opens her closet. ‘You could’ve just borrowed some pyjamas.’ 

Alex is slowly blinking from under the pile of blankets. ‘I didn’t want to bother you.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes, pulls out a t-shirt and sleeping shorts from her drawer and throws them in the direction of the bed. Alex yelps when they hit her. 

‘You’ve gotta stop thinking that you bother me, Alex.’ Sam pulls out her work clothes and doesn’t really think before she slips out of her clothes and into her work equivalents. 

She freezes, when she pulls on her pair of slacks. Right. She probably should have gone to the bathroom to change. She probably shouldn’t have just stripped off in front of Alex and given her a great view of her naked back and underwear. 

Sam buttons up her work shirt and tries to ignore that all of that just happened. When Sam turns around, Alex’s eyes are closed. She’s not sure if Alex closed her eyes when she realised Sam was getting dressed, but Sam appreciates the effort nonetheless. She resists the urge to kiss Alex on the forehead, when she passes her to grab a sensible pair of heels. 

‘Have a good sleep, Alex.’ She murmurs, when she shuts the door. 

——

Alex decides that they should go out to a park on a Saturday, as an apology for getting drunk and staying the night. Sam is avoiding talking about the night, at all, because she knows it’s going to make Alex uncomfortable. That, and she doesn’t really want to talk to Ruby again about how Alex is a constant fixture in their lives, but a non-romantic one. 

Ruby spends the afternoon running around and kicking a soccer ball. Alex joins her, and Sam watches on from the grass near them. She’s sitting in the shade and starts to feel a little drowsy, so she closes her eyes. She’s not sure how much time passes—a notion that sends shards of anxiety straight to her chest—when Alex walks over to her.

‘We’re getting hungry.’ She says. ‘Did you want to go to the bakery nearby?’ 

Sam nods and gets Alex to help her up. She wants to hold onto Alex’s hand a little while longer, but she knows that she won’t be able to explain why she wants to do it without having to explain that she has feelings for her. So, she lets Alex’s hand go at the earliest opportunity and laments the fact that she did, as soon as it happens. 

Ruby kicks the soccer ball back over to them and Alex picks it up, grinning.

‘Are we getting food?’ Ruby asks. 

‘Yeah we are, kiddo.’ Alex replies. 

Sam tries to calm down her breathing, in slow and methodical attempts, because it’s not that she doesn’t know where she was and what she was doing. It’s that she thought she knew what she was doing when she was losing time in the first place. But, it’s okay, because Alex would tell her if she went off somewhere, right? Alex would have made sure she stayed where she was and didn’t do anything, right?

She feels a hand on the small of her back, when her breathing picks up again. 

‘Hey.’ Alex murmurs in her ear, when they’re crossing a road. ‘Are you okay?’ 

Sam wants to lie, but it’s Alex and she knows Alex won’t judge her.

‘No.’ She admits. 

‘It was the nap, yeah?’ 

‘Yeah.’ She murmurs back, casting a glance at Ruby. ‘I know I didn’t go anywhere. Right?’

Alex smiles. ‘Yeah. You were here the whole time.’

‘Good.’ Sam is worried about Ruby overhearing this conversation, but Ruby is far too distracted by all the shops that they’re passing by. 

Sam walks into the bakery first, and its then that she notices that Alex’s hand is still on her back. She removes it, though, when they start looking at the menu and Sam immediately misses the warmth.

‘Hello.’ An older woman greets them, hair up in a bun and tucked into a hairnet. ‘How can I help you all today?’ 

Ruby steps up the counter, and Sam lets her. Recently, she’s become much more confident about ordering her food for herself and talking to shop attendants. It’s nice to see Ruby want to take that on. As a toddler, she was the shyest thing, always hiding behind Sam’s legs whenever someone would come up to say hello. 

‘I would like an eclair and a donut.’ Ruby says, before she waves in the direction of Sam and Alex. ‘I don’t know what my mum and her girlfriend want.’

Sam is pretty sure she just felt her heart stop. What had Ruby said? Oh god, please let Sam have imagined that. Judging from the way the bakery attendant’s—Liz’s—face tightens, it seems that Ruby did just declare to this entire bakery that Sam and Alex are dating. 

‘Well, dear, let’s let them decide.’ Liz waves them forward and Sam is too shell shocked to do anything but what she’s being prompted to do. Alex isn’t helping either—she’s too busy blushing and shoving her hands in her pockets. 

‘Now.’ Liz begins, conspiratorially. ‘I have no problem with you people, I just want to say. I’m happy to serve all kinds in the bakery.’

The first sense of alarm comes at the other woman’s use of the words: “you people” but Sam lets it go at the time because maybe Liz isn’t aware of what she’s done. Panic turns to anger, though, when the next thing the woman says, with a laugh no less, is: 

‘But if you wanted a wedding cake, now that would be a different story.’ 

Sam turns to look at Alex, to share some of the experience of what is clearly a homophobic incident. When Sam glances at Alex, however, all she sees is Alex staring at the floor. 

‘Right.’ Sam steps up, and wraps an arm around Ruby’s shoulder. ‘I forget that that kind of discrimination is allowed in this country.’ 

‘Dear.’ Liz tries to backtrack. ‘It’s not discrimination, it’s just my personal beliefs.’ 

‘It’s a cake, Liz.’ Sam fires back. ‘It’s not like I’d be asking you to officiate the wedding. It’s not like I’d be getting married in your church. It’s a fucking cake.’ 

Ruby somehow looks both terrified and absolutely delighted. Sam tries to stop her hands from shaking and her voice from getting too loud. She’s so angry, though. This is by far the angriest she’s ever felt since— and she’s worried that if she gets too worked up or too involved that she’ll—

‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’ Liz says, her eyes turning cold. 

‘Well,’ Sam starts. ‘I think you—‘

‘Sam.’ Alex finally speaks, and its low and quiet enough that Sam is paused mid-rant. ‘Let’s just go.’ 

Sam turns, confused and halfway through a righteous speech that she was sure could have won her an Oscar if this were a film, to see Alex’s diminished posture. She takes in the way Alex, somehow, looks so small in that moment and all of her anger deflates. 

‘Fine.’ Sam turns on her heel. She takes Ruby with her, and it's then that she realises what exactly Ruby has done. 

She leaves Alex just outside the bakery, tells her she’ll be back in a moment and hauls Ruby across the road, to give some semblance of privacy. 

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Sam begins. She tries her best to reign in her anger and her shock, that comes back in full force when she remembers that Ruby thought it was appropriate to just announce to people that her mother is dating a woman. That her mother is dating Alex. Which she’s not. Because that would be ridiculous. 

‘I googled it.’ Ruby explains. ‘How to tell if your mom is gay. This was step four. Telling people.’ 

‘Okay. Two things.’ Sam begins, holding up two fingers. ‘First, never say things like that to people without consulting me first. It could be dangerous, but also it takes away my right to come out to the people on my own time.’

Ruby nods, looking abashed and sufficiently scolded. 

‘Second, I’m not gay.’ Sam sighs. ‘I was going to tell you when you were a bit older. I’m bisexual.’

‘Bisexual.’ Ruby repeats, with another nod. 

‘It means —‘

‘Mom.’ Ruby interrupts with a laugh. ‘I’m a teenager, I know what it means.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes. ‘You’re not a teenager yet, young lady.’ 

‘I almost am, though.’

‘Uh-huh.’ Sam prods her daughter on the shoulder.

‘Can I ask you something, mom?’ Ruby ventures. 

Sam waves her on. 

‘I didn’t really wanna say anything and this seemed the best way to go about it, really. And I know now that it was stupid and I understand if you say no and if you don’t think I”m ready for the answer but…’

Oh god. Sam feels her eyes widen with every word that comes out of her daughter’s mouth. Ruby is about to ask if she’s allowed to date. Her daughter, her young not-quite-a-teenager daughter is about to ask her if she can go on a date with someone. Sam has to actively stop herself from just shouting ‘no’ from the rooftops and forbidding her daughter from seeing anyone ever, because that’s wrong and controlling and not at all the kind of parent she wants to be. Oh god, how has it come to this? She’s seen Sam and Alex and assumed that dating is okay and a thing she’s ready for and oh my god Sam is so, so incredibly not ready for this conversation. 

‘Are you and Alex actually dating?’ 

Well, fuck. This is worse than Sam imagined. ‘What?’ 

Ruby gives her a strange look. ‘Are you and Alex dating? I know I asked this before and you said you weren’t but… you kind of seem like you are. No offence.’ 

‘None taken.’ Sam breathes out a sigh. ‘We’re not dating. We’re friends.’

‘Okay.’ Ruby says, slowly, like she doesn’t believe her. Because why would she believe her, at this point. Sam really has to have a conversation with Alex about this. She almost wishes that Ruby had just asked her if she could date. 

——

Sam collapses on Lena’s office couch, without any preamble. All Lena does is take one look at her, over the top of her laptop, and goes back to typing. It’s a Friday, which means that she spent all day getting LCorp ready for the weekend, signing off on last minute deals and dealing with stupid businessmen who wanted to solve their problems right before the close of business so that they wouldn’t have to deal with it on Monday. 

Normally, she would have left at three to pick up Ruby, but she’s staying over at a friend’s house tonight so Sam told Lena she could stay back until all the work got finished for the week. It was a terrible idea, really, because there was a lot of work to do. 

It’s now ten pm and Ruby is probably going to give a call to say goodnight any minute. God, what a life that would be, going to bed at a reasonable hour.

‘You know, if you fall asleep on my couch I’m going to leave you here. Poor Jeremy is going to get the fright of his life when he comes in to clean the carpets.’ Lena comments. 

Sam groans and stretches out further. ‘You can afford to pay him reparations, I’m sure.’ 

Lena laughs and shuts her laptop. ‘Doesn’t mean I should cause wanton stress in the office.’ 

‘Touche.’ Sam manages, as she shuts her eyes. 

‘Oh no you don’t.’ 

‘I want to sleep.’ Sam sighs. 

‘I want to drink.’ She hears Lena say, standing up and shoving things into her bag. ‘Come out with me.’ 

‘I’m already out.’ 

Lena laughs. ‘Not what I meant.’ 

‘I’m aware of what you meant, Lena. I’m too tired to go out.’ 

‘No, you’re not. Pull on your best dress, I’ll get my driver to take us to this new bar I own part of. We’ll have a great night.’

‘You’ll have a great night. I’ll spend it being your wing woman.’ 

Lena scoffs. ‘Oh, please. You could hook up with just about anyone you wanted, if you bothered to try.’

‘I don’t want to hook up with just anyone.’ 

‘Oh, I know. But Alex is unavailable tonight. I already asked her.’ 

Sam’s eyes snap open and she sits up. ‘What?’ 

Lena smiles, smug, and pulls on her coat. ‘I knew that would get you up.’

Sam does get up, but she has no intention of letting Lena drag her out to a bar. ‘Did you even ask her if she could come?’ 

‘Yes.’ Lena puts a hand over her heart in mock offence. ‘I was telling the truth, you know. I do that sometimes.’ 

‘Small mercies.’ 

——

They do end up going out, but only for an hour. Sam had to step out to take a phone call from Ruby and when she came back inside, she found three men all but harassing Lena about the state of her company and not supporting her family’s beliefs. Lena was handling herself, with enough looks of ire to go around, but Sam fetches security and gets the men thrown out anyway. Better safe than sorry. 

They try to go back to having a fun time, but their night is sufficiently ruined. They head back to Lena’s apartment inside, tipsy enough to be giggling the whole way. 

They end up settled onto Lena’s couch with fresh glasses of wine in their hands.

‘Oh my god, I forgot to tell you.’ Sam sits up. ‘I went to a bakery with Alex and Ruby, and there was this homophobic attendant there who told us she wouldn’t bake us a wedding cake.’ 

Lena raises an eyebrow. ‘I wasn’t aware there was going to be a wedding.’ 

Sam blushes. ‘It wasn’t like that. The lady said it was a joke, but not a joke, you know?’ 

‘I hope someone yelled at her.’

‘I did.’

Lena takes a sip of her wine. ‘Did Alex threaten her, in all her FBI glory?’ 

Sam furrows her brow as she thinks back. ‘No, actually. She didn’t say anything, just stared at the floor.’ 

‘Ah.’ Lena smiles sympathetically. ‘Yeah, it gets to the best of us.’ 

‘I had to tell Ruby off though.’ Sam winces. ‘She introduced Alex and I as girlfriends.’

Lena laughs. ‘God, I love that kid.’

‘Don’t encourage her. It was potentially dangerous and very, very embarrassing. She’s getting really confused every time I tell her Sam and I aren’t dating.’ 

‘I’m not surprised.’

‘It’s weird, though. I spend as much time with Alex as I do you. Ruby doesn’t think we’re dating.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘Ruby doesn’t find me on top of you, either.’ 

Sam blushes and looks away. ‘She was drunk.’

‘Not my point, and Ruby doesn’t know that either. Maybe you should talk to Alex, suss out what’s really going on.’ 

‘Maybe.’ Sam heaves herself up off the couch. ‘I’m going to the bathroom.’ 

When Sam gets back, the strangest thing happens. Sam’s not sure if it’s because they forgot to turn on the lights, so the shadows are dancing across the floor thanks to the moon. She’s not sure if it’s because Lena forgot she was over, but when Sam walks through the doorway and pauses to take off her shoes, Lena jumps a mile as soon as she catches sight of her. 

‘Lena?’ Sam ventures. ‘Are you okay?’ 

Lena presses a hand to her forehead but nods. ‘Yeah, of course.’

Sam sits down. ‘You jumped.’ 

‘Sorry.’ 

This is the third time this has happened in a month. Initially, Sam thought it was just because Lena scared easily, what with the whole constant of assassination attempts. But Sam hasn’t really seen Lena jump at the sight of anyone but her. 

‘Lena.’ Sam tries. ‘Are you scared of me?’ 

In truth, an answer could terrify her. She tries so hard to appear non-threatening, after everything, and it would shatter her to think that she’s not succeeding. But she has to at least ask. 

‘What?’ Lena scoffs. ‘Of course not, don’t be ridiculous.’ 

‘You jump whenever I walk into the room.’ 

‘So I scare easy. It’s not a crime, Arias.’ 

‘Lena.’ Sam sighs and picks at the couch. ‘Please be honest with me.’ 

Sam can tell from the way that Lena tenses up that she wants to lie. Whatever the answer is going to be, Lena wants to placate and pretend like this isn’t issue because she knows its going to cause tension. Sam watches as Lena tries to force herself to say something that isn’t pre-prepared and dripping in Luthor manipulation. 

Lena is very quiet when she says: ‘something with your face tried to kill me.’ 

Sam tenses and swallows the bile that rises up her throat. ‘Okay. I don’t remember that.’ 

‘I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t think it would exactly aid your recovery.’ 

‘So, you are scared of me.’ Sam confirms, with a nod. 

Lena immediately shakes her head and puts her hand on top of Sam’s. ‘Not scared of you. Just something that happened to look like you.’ 

‘Was this when you took me captive?’ 

‘I didn’t take you captive.’ 

Sam shoots Lena a look. ‘You put me in a top secret lab without telling me and I woke up tied to a bed.’ 

Lena winces. ‘Okay, fine. And yes, it was, but it also happened later. When we tried to force your consciousness back into your mind, and Reign out. I’m trying to work on it, but sometimes I get tired and I forget.’

Sam can’t help the ire that rises within her. ‘Sometimes you can’t forget that something took over my body and tried to kill us all.’ 

Lena laughs, a defensive mechanism. ‘Well, it did make the front page of the news, after all.’ 

‘Don’t laugh.’ 

Lena sobers. ‘I’m sorry.’

Maybe it’s the wine, or the fact that Lena has actually been honest and said that she is frightened of her best friend. Maybe it’s the way that acknowledge tears at the most tender part of Sam and rips right into her stomach, but Sam stop the words from flowing out of her mouth. 

‘Do you have any idea what that’s like? To wake up captive, to have everyone telling you that it’s for your own good but not have any say in the matter until after it’s happened? Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up, not have any idea of who you are or where you’ve been? To have everyone tell you that you’re dangerous and a monster and that you have this other side that wants to destroy billions of people? To not be allowed to see your own daughter because you’re danger to her?’ 

Lena stiffens, and doesn’t look at her. ‘You told me you forgave me for that.’ 

‘I did. I do.’ Sam sighs. ‘But Lena, it still hurts. The same way having me around hurts you.’ 

‘It’s nothing I can’t handle, Sam. I’d rather have you around than not.’ 

‘Still.’

When Lena finally does look at Sam, her eyes are shining with tears and her face is pulled into a grimace of regret. 

‘I want you to know.’ She says. ‘That there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret not telling you about bringing you to the lab. When I panicked and didn’t tell you about any of the procedures. I regret it, constantly, more than I regret making kypronite.’ 

Sam feels her own eyes swell with tears, and this tightening in her throat that she can’t ignore.

‘I know.’ She manages, finally. 

Lena smiles, but it’s small and fragile. ‘I know I’m good at destroying relationships, but I’m trying not to be.’ 

Sam shakes her head. ‘I understand why you did it. I’m just trying to work through my feelings. I still love you, Lena.’

Lena closes her eyes and exhales a shaky breath. ‘I love you too.’ 

‘I get why you’re scared of me. I’m scared of myself, sometimes.’ Sam looks down at her hands. ‘There is so much that I still don’t know these hands have done. Stuff you guys didn’t catch on camera.’ 

‘It wasn’t you.’ Lena tries.

‘Yeah, but it was my body. I didn’t have any control over it but it was my body, my face.’ Sam feels tears prick at her eyes, again. ‘I felt so helpless, knowing that something that looks like me, that is part of me, was doing these terrible things. To know that at any moment I could be forced out and turning into that… that thing. I don’t ever want it to happen again, Lena. Don’t ever let it happen again.’ 

‘I won’t.’ Lena swears. ‘I promise you, I won’t.’ 

They head to Lena’s bed, later, because the other woman all but refuses to let Sam drive home. Sam is so exhausted all she can do is agree, take a pair of pyjamas from Lena and curl up under the blankets. She doesn’t hear Lena go to bed at the same time, and she resolves to stay up to make sure that Lena does actually sleep, but she passes out before she can make good on her promise.

——

‘So.’ Sam begins, around a mouthful of leftover pizza. ‘How much of the other night do you remember?’

Alex’s eyes widen and Sam realises, then, that she should have phrased a little differently. Less like: ‘we had wild sex when you were drunk and I’m not sure you remember’ and more like, well, the truth.

‘How much of the other night should I remember?’ Alex replies. 

Alex is here for pizza night because Ruby had all but begged Sam to let her come over. She won’t going to let her, because she kind of wants space from the other woman, because she’s trying to avoid having a certain conversation that she knows she really does need to have. But, Ruby had offered to clean the dishes and do all of the tidying up, which, frankly, never happens. So, Sam had relented and given Alex a call. The other woman had been more than happy to come over, which had surprised Sam somewhat. She expected Alex to shy away, to put up some walls. Now, Sam’s realising that maybe she hasn’t reacted that way because she doesn’t remember everything that happened. 

‘I don’t know.’ Sam replies, after a while. ‘Why don’t you tell me what you do remember and we’ll work back from there.’ 

Sam is thankful that Ruby had all but passed out on the couch and had gone to bed a little early, out of exhaustion from the school day. Because this really isn’t a conversation that she wants Ruby to overhearing, not after everything she already thinks is going on between the two of them.

‘Well.’ Alex says. ‘I remember going to the bar. Drinking, a lot. Calling you, and then waking up on your couch.’ 

‘Right.’ Sam nods. ‘Well, I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while and I didn’t quite know how to say it. I’m sorry if it really offends you and I don’t mean it that way at all but—‘

‘You want me to stop coming around so often.’ Alex supplies. 

Sam is so shocked that she stops speaking, and somehow Alex picks up on her silence as a way to keep finishing whatever line of thought as popped into her head. 

‘I’m making you and Ruby uncomfortable, so you want me to take some space. It’s fine, I get it. Sometimes it can be a little shocking for a kid to have a gay person around, so I totally get it if you’re a bit uncomfortable. I’m not offended.’ 

‘What?’ Is all Sam can manage to force her mouth to say. 

Alex shrugs, but she’s noticeably wounded. ‘It’s okay.’ 

‘I’m not uncomfortable around because you’re gay. Ruby isn’t either, for the record.’ Sam laughs. ‘That doesn’t even make any sense. Why would I, a bisexual, be uncomfortable around you, a lesbian? If someone ever does say that they don’t want you around because you’re gay, please be offended and please punch them in the face.’ 

Alex pauses. ‘What? You’re bi?’ 

‘Oh my god.’ Sam can’t stop herself from laughing again. ‘You don’t remember. Of course you don’t remember. I told you when you were drunk. You said you thought I was straight. I corrected you.’

‘Oh.’ Alex immediately relaxes, all of the tension leaking out of her posture. ‘Okay. What were you trying to say, then?’ 

Sam takes a breath and tries to barrel through her nerves. ‘Right, so despite my many conversations with her, Ruby is still convinced we’re dating.’ 

‘She thinks we’re dating?’

‘Yep.’

‘Oh. Makes sense.’ 

‘Yeah, and it’s confusing her when I keep telling her we’re not dating and then she walks in on us looking like we do.’

Alex’s face goes from amused to alarmed. ‘How do we look?’

Right, again with the implied sexual intercourse. ‘Just… wrapped up in each other. You’re a cuddly drunk.’ 

Alex blushes. ‘Sorry.’

Sam waves a hand dismissively. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s cute. She’s just getting a lot of the wrong impression so I just wanted to ask. What’s going on, between us? I talked to Lena and she’s said that this isn’t, like, all that normal for friends to keep doing this. So, I thought I’d ask directly.’ 

Alex, to her credit, doesn’t balk or get defensive. She simply takes a sip of her soda and considers the other woman. 

‘I don’t know.’ Alex responds. ‘I mean, it’s not really a normal situation. My sister left the planet and you had a world killer implanted in your brain. I was just… trying to help, trying to support you. I’m sorry if it came across like something else.’

Sam swallows away her hurt. This is definitely not how she wanted the conversation to go. Truthfully, and naively, she was hoping that this would be the moment that Alex would confess feelings for her. Then, they would actually begin dating and stop confusing the hell out of her daughter.

‘Okay. Yeah. That’s what I thought. I just don’t know how to stop making Ruby think there’s something going on.’ 

Alex nods. ‘I mean, I could stop coming over for a while—at least, I could stop staying the night. Until Ruby actually believes you.’

Sam doesn’t want to agree, but she really doesn’t see any other logical way to fix things. So, despite the aching in her chest and the wateriness in her eyes that she’s trying to blink away, she says yes and Alex resolves then to go spend the night in her own apartment. Sam sees her off, hugs her goodbye and then tries desperately not to cry in the doorway of her house. 

Instead, she pulls out her phone and dials a familiar number. Lena picks up on the second ring and Sam already feels the tears threaten to give way. 

‘Lena, it went awful. She doesn't have feelings for me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, if you like. :)


	4. I’m not sure I have the heart for this (maybe that’s the hardest part of it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took me so long to update! life gets in the way. Again, thanks so much for all your lovely comments. I've loved reading every single one of them. 
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes in this one, in a rush to get it published I didn't really edit it much.
> 
> Title is from Lonely People by Orla Gartland.

Lena sighs. ‘What happened?’ 

Sam holds her breath, in a weak attempt to keep the tears from spilling from her eyes. She wipes at her cheek, with the back of her hand, preemptively. 

‘I asked her about us. You know, that whole ‘what are we really doing’ speech. She said she should probably stop staying over so that Ruby stops getting confusing and I — I just really thought that..’ 

Sam hears the phone line crackle, as Lena takes in the whole story. 

‘So… she thinks she should stop staying the night because of Ruby?’ 

Sam nods. ‘More or less.’ 

‘Right.’ Sam hears some papers shuffle in the background. ‘Sam, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you.’ 

‘But I gave her an opening! I asked her what was going on.’ 

She can practically hear Lena shrug over the phone. ‘Might not have been clear enough, darling. Alex is new to this.’

‘She had a fiancee.’ Sam reminds her, drily. 

It seems odd to even think that this is a blimp on her radar. She has seen so much tragedy, her body and her hands have killed so many people. But here she is, distraught and trying not to cry at the sound of Lena’s voice, because the woman she likes doesn’t like her back.

‘She got engaged to the first woman she dated. That’s hardly experience.’ 

Sam swallows the thickness in her throat. ‘Don’t get my hopes up.’ 

‘I’m not. I’m just trying to be logical.’ 

If Sam closes her eyes, she can imagine exactly what Lena is doing right now. Based on the sounds she can hear over the line, Lena is still sitting in her office. She’ll be getting ready for the report that’s due tomorrow, going over everything even though Sam has already been over it twice. She might be finalising some designs for new technology, too, if she doesn’t want to go home before midnight. 

‘Please tell me you’re going home before midnight.’ 

Lena scoffs. ‘I can’t promise that.’ 

‘Lena.’ 

‘I have a lot to do.’ 

‘Please. At least get a few hours of sleep.’ 

‘Five.’

‘Seven.’ 

‘Samantha. Honestly.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes. ‘I’m a mother. I will drag you out of that office myself. I can do that now.’ 

‘Believe me, I’m aware.’ 

The teasing mood chills instantly. Sam straights up and clears her throat. It was a joke, she tries to tell herself. Lena didn’t mean it to be mean. It was a joke. 

The thing is, it’s not the fact that Lena told her Reign tried to kill her that is the most concerning. It’s the fact that Sam doesn’t remember it. She doesn’t know her own hands. She can’t feel sympathetic for Lena’s jumpiness or wariness of her, because she can’t remember what happened to cause it. All it does is make hurt bloom in the middle of Sam’s chest, and a tightness overtake Sam’s throat. 

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ Lena says, quietly, at last. 

‘I know.’ Sam sighs. ‘I know you didn’t. I’m just… adjusting.’ 

‘Do you want me to come over?’  


Sam runs a hand through her hair and gets up from the couch. ‘No, it’s fine. I’m about to go to bed.’ 

‘Okay.’ 

‘You should too.’ 

‘I’ll get some sleep eventually.’ 

Sam feels the tension grow thick again and she feels renewed tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Lena says her goodbyes soon after, a soft promise to look after herself. Sam wants to tell the other woman that she loves her, but she stops herself at the last moment. Lena doesn’t say it, either, which normally doesn’t worry Sam; given Lena’s upbringing.  


Except that it bothers Sam now, just this once. It bothers her not to have Lena insist on saying it because maybe… Because maybe Lena really does feel like the monster inside of Sam’s consciousness—pressed somewhere at the back, raging to get out, raging to destroy the souls of a planet because of destiny—is still in there somewhere. But no, Lena has assured Sam so many, many times over that Reign was not her and that Reign is gone. 

Sam goes to bed feeling cold. She pulls her blankets up to her chin, after changing into her pyjamas, and tries to will the chill in her bones away. 

—-

Rest doesn’t really come. Sam finds herself awake almost every hour. She’s awake enough that she hears Ruby’s alarm go off in the other room without any trouble. Ruby has started waking herself up for school. Sam hopes, desperately, that it’s not because she’s forgotten twice this week to wake her up for school. She hopes that it’s because Ruby wants to be more of a teenager—to be more responsible. She hopes against hope because there’s not much else she can do, besides ask her.

It’s seven thirty in the morning when Sam decides to peel herself out of bed. At this hour, she has enough time to have a shower, eat breakfast and get dressed at a leisurely pace. However, she’s far too panicked to do anything slowly. 

She makes her way to the bathroom and peels off her pyjamas when she gets there. Double checking that the door is locked, she takes off her bra and catches sight of herself in the mirror. Sam still can’t understand how so much of herself has changed, but her body remains exactly the same. She is alien now, but her body looks the same as it did five, ten years ago—baring some stretch marks that have been added during that time. 

It’s the oddest thing. It’s as if she’s experienced retrograde amnesia—forever doomed to being unable to remember who she used to be. Or maybe, doomed to never understand who she is now. But, no, she feels herself say. That can’t be right either. Kara could adjust. Kara adjusted, well. Kara has learnt how to balance the various parts of herself—has become at home in her body again. 

Sam leans against the sink and sighs. What she wouldn’t do to be able to speak to the other woman. Kara and Sam weren’t particularly close—in truth, they were held together by the same relentless tether. Lena. Still, Kara would help her, because that’s what Kara does. Kara would soothe the ache of loneliness she feels in her bones, for the way things used to be. 

Sam manages to get herself into the shower and run the water before she can’t stop staring at her hands. Screams echo in the back of her mind. She closes her eyes, ducks her head under the water and tries not to scream herself. She sees the hand, in the back of her mind, sweeping destruction in its wake. She sees a mouth, her mouth, twisted into a cruel smile. She sees her, risen above the tallest of buildings; ready to destroy every soul on the planet. 

No, she tries to say. It isn’t me. It isn’t really me. But she gets these flashes sometimes. She wants to think that her brain has made them up—pieced them together from snippets of new clips she’s made herself watch—but she isn’t so sure. 

She stumbles out of the shower shaking. The water is still running, and she hasn’t actually achieved having a shower, but she can barely get herself to stand. 

Sam hears a knock on the door. She’s so startled that she wheels around and manages to punch a hole in the wall somehow. She wraps herself up in a towel and balls her hands into fists to keep her hands still. It doesn’t work, her entire muscle system is vibrating and on high alert. 

‘Mom?’

Fuck. Ruby. School. All these other things she’s trying to handle, and handle well. She can’t bring herself to speak, can’t get the images of destruction out of her mind. 

She hears Ruby shuffle off a moment later. Shame makes her throat feel thick and tongue heavy. She can’t even pull herself together enough to make her daughter think that she’s okay. 

She must stand there for at least half an hour, because there is another knock on the door and another familiar voice comes from behind the door. 

‘Arias?’ A tentative knock. ‘I’m going to come in. Okay?’ 

Sam leans against the sink and watches the door open. Lena’s head pop through the doorway. She steps inside and closes the door. 

‘Ruby called me.’ 

‘Oh.’ 

‘I got my driver to send her to school. She’ll be safe.’ 

Sam inhales sharply and can’t do much more than stare blankly at the other woman. She doesn’t know how to move. Why can’t she move? Oh god. This was just like when she was pushed to the fringes of her own mind. Get back, she wants to scream, I don’t know if I’m me anymore. Get back, Lena, before I do something else. 

‘Sam?’ Lena takes a small step forward. ‘Darling? I’m going to touch you, is that okay?’ 

Sam blinks and manages what she thinks must be a nod, because Lena places a hand on her wet shoulder a moment later. 

‘You know, I was just on the phone to some French businessman. He called me a bitch, in French, because I wouldn’t lower my asking price and he didn’t think that I could speak French. Imagine that? Not thinking that I, a Luthor, could speak another language. As if I wasn’t taught how to speak five language by the time I was ten. Honestly.’ 

Sam focuses on the sound of Lena’s voice as she leads her into Sam’s bedroom. Lena has procured another towel from somewhere and is trying to dry Sam’s hair. 

‘This isn’t the first time this has happened either. Most people think that Lex was the prodigy, and somehow they didn’t expect that I would follow suit. I had a man try to explain quantum gravity to me. At my own panel about quantum gravity.’ 

Sam feels her limbs relax when she watches Lena open her closet and pick out an outfit for the day. 

‘I was thinking you could wear something blue. You look nice in it, you know. Brings out the lightness in your hair.’ 

She tosses a blue blouse onto the bed and sets about finding a pair of shoes. Sam feels her breathing return to normal, and unclenches her hands. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ is the first thing she says. 

Lena turns around, a pair of heels dangling delicately off of her index finger. 

‘For what?’ Lena looks genuinely perplexed, too. 

‘This.’ Sam gestures to everything in the room. The fact that she’s still dressed in a towel, shaking slightly. The fact that Lena had to send her daughter to school. 

Lena shrugs. ‘You got me out of three meetings. I’m not complaining.’ 

Sam breathes something close to a laugh and feels the tension in her shoulders relax. 

—

Sam manages to get through the rest of the week without another incident, which is a miracle in and of itself. The stress of the week is enough to exhaust her, though, and she feels terrible on Friday night knowing that she has plans with Alex. She is far too tired to be any fun to hang of with, so she texts Alex in the middle of her final meeting to cancel their plans. 

She apologizes profusely and she worries she’s upset Alex until the other woman texts back, five minutes later. 

Sam opens it, confident she can multitask in a meeting that’s taking two hours when she could have ended it an hour and a half ago. 

Alex’s text reads: ‘That’s okay, Sam, I get it. Life gets in the way. Look after yourself this weekend, yeah? Love you.’ 

Sam’s heart just about stops beating. 

‘Miss Arias?’ She hears, from the other end of the table. 

She looks up to the concerned face of a German businessman. 

She nods, clears her throat and puts her phone away. ‘So sorry for the interruption.’ 

She doesn’t take in a single thing from that moment. Alex had just texted her to tell her that she’s love her. Alex loves her, in whatever capacity. Sam tries not to get too caught up in the confession, but Alex hardly seems the type to tell someone that she loves them on a whim. 

Sam somehow manages to finish the meeting, shakes the necessary hands and walks back into her office without stopping her inner monologue of incessant thoughts. 

Lena walks in, some time later, with a tablet in her hand. She’s typing away and then she looks up at Sam’s dazed expression and quirks an eyebrow. 

‘Are you okay?’ Lena asks. ‘Did Ruby get another award at school?’ 

‘Alex told me she loves me.’ Sam blurts out, not knowing what power possessed her to do that. ‘Well, texted me. Texted me that she loves me.’ 

Lena smothers a teasing smirk, but Sam sees the beginnings of it anyway. ‘That’s news?’ 

‘Don’t be a jerk. I’m having a moment.’ 

‘I can see that. Do you need me to close the door? Give you a moment to yourself?’ 

‘Fuck you.’ 

Lena laughs then, a full and boisterous thing. ‘I’m going to have to politely decline.’ 

Sam shrugs. ‘Your loss.’

Later, Sam actually manages to go home at a reasonable hour. When she walks through the front door, Ruby is already home — courtesy of Alex. 

She’s sitting at the kitchen bench, eating chips out of the bag and doing her homework. Sam’s heart fills with a warm glow. She pats Ruby on the head as she passes and watches her tug her earphones out of her ears. 

‘You’re home!’ Ruby says, with a bright grin. ‘Are you still hanging out with Alex tonight?’ 

‘Nope.’ Sam responds, opening the fridge and procuring the orange juice. She busies herself with pouring a glass of it, as Ruby tackles another math problem. 

‘Won’t Alex be upset?’ 

Sam takes a sip of her drink. ‘Maybe. But we spoke about it, I’m too tired to go anywhere tonight.’ 

‘Oh. Okay.’ Ruby’s shoulders slump. ‘Did you wanna have an early night?’ 

‘Hmm.’ Sam pretends to consider. ‘I don’t know. Did you want to watch a movie after you finish your homework?’ 

‘Yeah!’ Ruby pauses. ‘If you’re not too tired.’ 

‘I’m never too tired to hang out with you.’ 

They settle on the couch with the chips, maybe half an hour later. Ruby promises that she didn’t rush her homework just so they can get to watching the movie, and Sam trusts her enough not to question it. Ruby prides herself on her academics—and prides herself on trying her best, even when she doesn’t particularly feel motivated. Truthfully, they’re traits that Sam admires and wishes she had when she was Ruby’s age. 

Ruby snuggles into her shoulder and they decide to watch the latest dystopian trilogy that has captured Ruby’s attention. Something about fighting back against governments that want to oppress the people, in whatever way. Plus, a cheesy romance—because it was aimed at teenagers after all. 

‘Look.’ Ruby points to the main character. ‘They made her fluid in the books. I hope she is the movie too.’ 

‘Fluid?’ 

‘Yeah. Like. Bisexual, I guess. Without the label.’ 

‘Oh, that’s really cool, baby.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Ruby beams up at her. ‘Representation matters.’ 

It sounds suspiciously like something Alex taught her to say and that only makes Sam’s heart swell more. Alex cares so much about the both of them—and so much about helping teach Ruby the right lessons. Ruby has one of the best support networks of versatile women that Sam could have hoped for, when she was born. 

Sam still remembers that day—sweaty and alone, giving birth to the encouragement of the nurses around her. One of them asked where the father was, and Sam had to explain between pants that he wasn’t in the picture. That pitying look she got next was one of the worst things she has experienced. No, she wanted to say, I can do this on my own. I can do this on my own. I don’t need him. All people seemed to think was that she needed the father around to cope—or a man around to help out, to truly balance out the family dynamic. She called bullshit on that a long time ago. 

She likes to think she’s done a pretty good job raising Ruby, a pretty good job making sure that she’s around and that Ruby feels like they can have an open dialogue. She’s raised Ruby to be an independent thinker, so occasionally they might get into fights about things when Ruby disagree with her. And that’s okay, too, but Sam always makes her that Ruby feels heard even if Ruby doesn’t necessarily win the argument. Like that time when she didn’t understand why she couldn’t see an R rated film with her friends. Sam had relatively calmly explained the rules of what she is and isn’t allowed to watch and at what age. But Ruby always knows that if she’s done her research about a film and shown Sam what it’s about, then that rule can have exceptions depending on the content of the film. 

It’s about balance and compromise, Sam had read in a book early in her pregnancy, and she’d been trying to practice it ever since. Nowadays, they don’t fight as much—not since Reign, anyway. Sam isn’t sure if it’s because Ruby doesn’t want to stress her out, or if she’s because she might be a little more scared of her now. Sam doesn’t really want to ask. She doesn’t really want to know if her child is scared of her—scared of what she could turn into. Sam had tried to shield her from Reign but she also knows that if Ruby wanted to see this thing in her mother’s body, all she’d have to do is google it. 

Sam spends the rest of the movie completely distracted and a little tense. She tries to keep her body language relaxed, though, so Ruby won’t notice. She think she’s achieved her goal too, because Ruby blinks sleepily and snuggles into her further. 

‘Bedtime, kiddo.’ Sam murmurs into her ear. 

Ruby makes a noise of protest. ‘Only Alex calls me that.’ 

‘I didn’t know Alex had the authority on nicknames.’ 

Ruby laughs, a soft little thing. ‘You have the authority on everything else, so it’s okay.’ 

Sam follows Ruby as she gets off the couch. ‘If you say so.’  


‘Can you read to me again tonight?’ Ruby asks, in a shy voice. 

This is relatively new. Ruby has recently discovered that she learns better audibly, so she’s been asking Sam to read her some books that will be a little harder for Ruby to understand, so she can increase her English skills. 

Sam smiles. ‘Of course. Which book?’

‘The one about the women and the marriages and old stuff.’ 

‘Pride and Prejudice?’ 

‘Yeah, that one.’ 

Sam, herself, heads to bed a couple of hours later. Ruby is asleep, at a reasonable enough hour that she won’t be exhausted for her soccer practice in the morning, and Sam doesn’t really see a point in staying up any longer. 

She changes, goes about her normal routine and puts her phone on charge. She sets herself an alarm, and it’s only then that she realizes she’s completely forgotten to reply to Alex’s text message. 

‘Fuck.’ She murmurs. Now Alex is going to think Sam has been scared off by her affections. Or something. 

Sam hurriedly types out a response and then deletes it. She types ‘love you too.’ And then decides against it. Something this late seems too purposeful. Alex will think she’s planned out her answer. God, why couldn’t she have just remember to respond at a reasonable hour like a normal person? 

She types out: ‘you too’ and adds a love heart emoji just so it doesn’t sound cold. She sends it off before she freak herself out about it any further. 

A reply comes just as she’s switched off her lamp. 

It reads: ‘I didn’t think you’d still be up.’ 

Sam types: ‘I was reading to Ruby. In bed now.’ 

It takes a few more minutes of Sam relentlessly watching her phone for another response to beep through: ‘sweet dreams x’. 

—-

Sam finds herself called into Lena’s office first thing Monday morning. It’s not that nerve wracking, because it’s Lena, but Sam still finds herself trying to swallow her nerves anyway. She’s chosen a bright blue button up and slacks for the day, and feels a little underdressed when she sees Lena in a tight fitting, black dress and killer heels. It’s all still very work appropriate, of course, but it looks so good on Lena that Sam has to actively keep herself from feeling intimidated. 

‘Glad you could make it.’ Lena greets her. 

Sam closes the door behind her, at Lena’s behest, and feels her heart rate climb. Formal Lena is never a good sign. It usually means she has some tough news to deliver. Formal Lena, addressed to her, is absolutely never a good sign. That usually means that Lena is scared. 

‘Happy to be here.’ Sam takes a seat across from Lena. ‘What’s up?’ 

‘I’ve been looking at the numbers from our last quarter.’ Lena fills through a folder, with an odd kind of precision. ‘We’ve been at an all time high for R&D expenditure.’ 

‘Well, we’ve been trying to crack a number of difficult technologies.’ Sam shrugs. ‘That takes money.’ 

Lena blinks, just once. ‘Of course. I agree. That’s why I was considering expanding.’ 

‘You were?’ 

‘I want to open a second R&D wing. There’s an acceptably large office building that we could turn into another lab. I was thinking of having Jess run it.’ 

‘That’s a great idea.’ Sam smiles, but its turns nervous at the edges.

Lena nods and writes something down. ‘Honestly, she’s wasted as a secretary.’ 

‘I agree.’ 

‘Good.’ Lena closes the folder and, finally, looks up at her. ‘There’s another thing I want to talk about.’ 

For some reason, Sam is sure that she’s going to get fired. It doesn’t make any sense, considering how accomodating Lena has been. It seems like the last thing Lena would actually do, and yet… Sam looks at the other woman’s posture—spine ramrod straight, hands clasped in front of her. Classic business-Lena body language. It’s the kind of posture that Lena uses with people she doesn’t know. It was the kind of posture that Lena used when she first met Sam. 

‘Yeah?’ Sam tries to keep her voice from shaking, but she’s not sure she’s succeeded. 

Lena pulls something out of a drawer and puts in on top of her desk. It’s a small box, and Sam has no idea what’s in it. 

‘I wanted to give you this.’ Lena’s voice is shockingly even. It shouldn’t surprise Sam, now that she’s knows enough about Lena’s upbringing, but it still does. It’s different, seeing it in action. 

Lena hands her the box and it’s only then that Sam notices that slight shake in Lena’s hands. Sam takes the box and goes to open it, but Lena waves a hand to stop her. 

‘Before you open that,’ she says. ‘I just want you to know that I completely understand if I’ve gone too far.’ 

‘What are you talking about, Lena?’ Sam opens the box and gasps. 

It’s a small, black, led ring. On the inside is a running line of green. There’s a small button on the side, in the same matte black as the ring itself. 

‘Is this what I think it is?’ Sam actually, at length.

She watches Lena inhale. ‘A kyptronite ring. You said you were worried about your powers, and losing time. This is going to help with that, if you want to use it.’

Sam takes out the ring and inspects it closer. ‘How does it work?’ 

‘Well, you can wear it all the time. When you start to feel overwhelmed or you think you’re about to start losing time, you press the button on the side. A small needle will appear, and insert a small amount of kryptonite. It’ll make you feel a little bit ill, but it shouldn’t incapacitate you. Just enough to mute your powers and give you a little piece of mind.’ 

Sam winces. ‘A needle?’ 

Lena gives her a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m sorry. It’s the smallest I could manage. I know you hate them but it’s the only way to put it into your bloodstream and be able to control the effects. The ring also connects to an app, I’ll give the link to the code I wrote. It’ll measure your heart rate and brain waves, so you can make sure you’re not losing consciousness.’ 

Sam’s brow furrows in confusion. ‘How did you know what the effects would be? Did you test in on SuperGirl’s DNA in the DEO or something?’ 

Lena’s face goes suspiciously blank. ‘No. I didn’t test anything on SuperGirl.’ 

Sam watches her carefully. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought her up.’ 

Lena waves a hand dismissively. ‘It’s all right. I can handle it.’ 

‘So.’ Sam drawls. ‘If you didn’t test it on SuperGirl’s DNA, what did you test it on?’ 

Lena taps a finger on the desk and adjusts her dress. ‘Reign. I tested it on Reign.’ 

A cold shiver washes over Sam. ‘You what?’ 

Lena puts up her hands. ‘I know, I know how it sounds. I have some of her DNA on file. I promise I’m only using it to help you.’ 

Sam tries to control her immediate fear. ‘So this is why you’ve been working so late.’ 

Lena glances away. ‘Maybe.’ 

‘Why did you keep her DNA here? Why did you keep it at all?’

Lena grimaces. ‘I thought it might be useful, in the future. I wasn’t going to use it for anything nefarious.’ 

‘I didn’t say that, Lena.’ 

Lena looks at her, one eyebrow raised. ‘Were you thinking it?’ 

Sam frowns. ‘Of course not. I trust you.’ 

‘And I trust you.’ Lena gestures to the ring. “I can change the colour, if you don’t like it.’ 

Sam laughs. ‘It’s fine. I like the black. Very understated.’ 

Lena smiles, for the first time since Sam walked through the door. ‘I try.’

‘Although.’ Sam puts the ring onto her middle finger. ‘You do know what this is going to do to the rumour mill at work. Everyone is going to think you proposed.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes, but she still hasn’t stopped smiling. ‘Only if you wear it on your ring finger, dear.’

—-

Lena decides to host dinner a little later in the week. Sam, Alex and Ruby come over to her apartment and get settled just as Lena pulls something off of the stove. 

‘So glad you all could make it.’ 

Alex quirks her eyebrows. ‘I didn’t know you could cook, Lena.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘I took a class. I got bored in France.’  


Alex smirks. ‘Oh, right, sorry. I forgot I was talking to a rich girl.’ 

Lena gives her a brilliant smile. ‘Happens to the best of us.’ 

Ruby pops her head up, from the couch. ‘Lena? Did you hear I got an A on my science project?’

Lena claps her hands. ‘I do not! Congratulations. This can be your celebratory dinner, then. What do you want to drink?’  


Ruby glances at her mother. ‘Soda?’ 

Sam nods and goes to the fridge. ‘Sure. It’s your celebratory dinner, after all.’ 

Ruby puffs up with pride. Sam loves that all of her friends enjoy celebrating Ruby’s successes. Especially Lena, who makes such an active effort to encourage Ruby in ways that don’t make her feel insignificant when she fails. It makes Sam's heart ache to think that Lena has never experienced praise that didn’t come with strings attached. 

She passes Ruby a can of soda. ‘Here you go.’  
Ruby grins. ‘Thanks, mum.’

They eat dinner a little while later, the four of them laughing and joking over a warm meal. Alex and Lena end up talking about some science theory that Sam hasn’t read the paper on yet. So, she turns to Ruby and pokes her in the shoulder. 

‘Hey.’ She murmurs. ‘I forgot to ask. How was your sleepover?’

Ruby smiles. ‘Good! Madison is fun. We watched movies and eat junk food.’ 

‘Classic.’ 

Ruby’s smile turns a touch shy. ‘I think I might like her. I don’t know, though.’ 

Sam shrugs. ‘You’ve got time to figure it out, baby.’ 

When Sam looks back to Lena and Alex, they’re both staring at Ruby with such fondness.

‘Did I just hear that the kid has a crush?’ Alex teases. 

Ruby blushes. ‘No. I said I might.’ 

Lena shrugs. ‘Still. It’s worth noting. Is she cute?’

Ruby blushes harder. ‘Yeah.’ 

Sam stands up and grabs their plates. ‘Someone help me clear the table that’s not Lena.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘You are too polite, Arias.’ 

‘Deal with it.’ Alex says, as she stands as well. 

They head to the kitchen with the plates and rinse them off in the sink. Lena and Ruby wander off, something about Lena wanting to show Ruby her latest invention. Sam overhears something about lasers. 

‘Don’t you let my daughter burn anything with lasers, Lena!’ She calls out. 

She hears Lena laugh just as they descend downstairs—into Lena’s personal lab. 

Alex scoffs. ‘Lena is so rich. I swear to god. I forgot she had her own lab inside her apartment.’  


Sam shrugs. ‘At least she’s paying me decent wages.’ 

Alex quirks an eyebrow. ‘More than decent, what I hear.’ 

Sam grins. ‘I am running her company, to be fair.’ 

Alex holds up her hands. ‘I didn’t say they weren’t fair wages.’ 

Sam leans past her to get to a glass that’s sitting on the edge of the bench. Truth be told, she expects Alex to move out of the way. But she doesn’t, she lets Sam lean in close to her shoulder and grab the glass. She puts it in the sink and watches Alex inhale sharply. 

Sam glances up and sees Alex watching her. Her eyes dart down to her lips.

Sam feels her heart beat thump against her chest. This is it. This is the moment she’s wanted since she saw Ruby bump into Alex. Alex studies her face with such a tenderness that Sam aches. 

Then, the redhead leans in. Sam’s eyes flutter close as she waits, lips trembling. 

A shrill ringtone interrupts them right as Alex is about to kiss her. Sam feels sick with disappointment when Alex pulls away to look at it. The way Alex tenses up immediately, Sam guesses that its the DEO calling—or maybe Maggie. 

But, when Alex picks up her phone off the bench with a hand shaking so bad she can barely do it, Sam sees a flash of the ID. 

Alex’s voice comes out breathy and breaking. ‘Kara?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.
> 
> (And yes, Kara is coming back! hopefully in the next chapter).


	5. I should have held an after party (for all the thoughts I didn’t say)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Dussledorf, by Regina Spektor. 
> 
> Thanks for all your supporting guys!! I'm not sure if this is the last chapter of this work, if I'm honest, but we'll see how it's tracking. 
> 
> I love reading every single one of your comments. :)

Sam doesn’t speak to Alex for a solid week. She tries not to think about, because Kara just got back and it must feel like that missing puzzle piece has finally been returned. She tries not to think about because it makes perfect sense that Alex would drop off the face of the earth once her sister returned to the planet. Still, Sam finds herself thinking about it. 

All she can remember is that moment—the buzz in the air, that spark of electricity and almost, almost pressing her lips to Alex’s. That defining characteristic of the evening, laughing and cleaning up and being intimate in a way Sam has dreamed of for quite a while. But she pushes that to the side, because it isn’t helpful. 

All in honesty, it’s hard not to think about that evening when Lena is going around a little more focused than usual. Sam knows that Lena is trying hard not to dwell on the fact that Kara hasn’t come to visit her yet—to Sam’s knowledge. Lena just keeps talking business, inventions and Ruby. Anything but Kara, really. 

As soon as Alex had gotten that call—Kara was in her apartment, wondering where she was—she had jetted from Lena’s, without little more explanation than: ‘Kara’s back.’ Sam could have sworn that she heard Lena’s heart stop, which she would have passed off as coincidental at any other moment. But considering that Sam can actually hear heartbeats now, she’s more inclined to think that it’s true. 

So, instead of sharing their mutual commiserations about being left out of the reunion, Sam and Lena focus on work. There are the usual meetings and business deals, some extra meetings scheduled because Lena wants to pack her day full of things so she doesn’t have time for anything else, and finally—invention. After Lena’s expedition to help Sam, she pulled her attention toward biodegradable materials and renewable energy sources. It’s nothing new—certainly nothing Lena hasn’t thought of before—but Sam watches Lena refine her ideas and formulas to the point where they’re almost perfect. 

Sam goes looking for a pen in Lena’s desk, halfway through the day, amidst a frazzled attempt to sign yet another document and opens a drawer. She pauses when she sees the drawer pull of paper—newspaper articles, to be more specific. Articles about crime. Articles about crime that all draw on the question: where has SuperGirl gone? Sam finds herself holding her breath. 

Of course Lena knows. Sam managed to figure it out, over time, and Lena has spent more time with Kara than she has. The suspicious timing of Kara’s leave and the disappearance of SuperGirl had to be the icing on the proverbial cake. Sam closes the drawer and tries to calm herself down. It must hurt, having to pretend that these two opposing sides of one friend aren’t the same person. To trust one half of a person and not the other. To be quite honest, Sam’s not quite sure how Lena deals with it. But then again, Sam has always had the habit of wearing her emotions on her sleeve. 

‘Has the new agreement been signed?’ Lena calls from the doorway. 

Sam looks up, more startled than she should be, and catches sight of Lena leaning against the doorframe. She nods, once and far too briskly. That’s when she knows she’s been caught out. Lena isn’t one to forget smaller gestures and body language, what with being raised to pay a ridiculous amount of attention to it. 

To her credit, all Lena does is raise an eyebrow. 

‘I was looking for a pen.’ Sam says, slowly. 

Lena gestures to her. ‘And, clearly, you found one.’ 

Sam sighs. ‘That’s not all I found.’ 

‘You don’t have to tell me that. I can see it on your face.’ Lena shrugs, in stellar fashion if it’s not genuine. ‘Can’t a girl keep track of her favorite superhero?’ 

‘I thought you said you didn’t trust her.’ 

‘I don’t.’ Lena unfolds her arms and steps further into the room. ‘I’m just keeping tabs.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Sam acknowledges, and puts the signed paper down on Lena’s desk. ‘But why?’ 

Lena’s eyes narrow. ‘Are you suspicious of a Luthor keeping tabs on a Super?’ 

Sam manages to use all of her willpower to refrain from rolling her eyes. ‘Of course not, Lena. I’m suspicious of my friend keeping tabs on someone who hurt her. In whatever capacity.’ 

Sam watches Lena scoff. ‘Well that’s a little dramatic. She didn’t hurt me.’ 

Sam sighs and sits down on her couch. ‘She broke your trust. So, she kinda did. If you think about it.’ 

‘I am thinking about it. Besides, you don’t see me bringing up how you check your phone every five minutes to see if you know who has responded to your texts.’ 

Sam does roll her eyes then. ‘Deflection isn’t healthy, Lena.’ 

‘Neither is denial.’ Lena says it sharply, but she’s wearing a warm smile. 

It’s only then that Sam relaxes. If Sam were Kara, she might press a little more to see if Lena has figured out the ultimate secret. She might press a little more to see exactly how Lena is feeling and how she’s processing the inevitable news that Kara has returned. It’s not exactly hard to piece together that she’s trying to avoid talking about it. 

But she’s not Kara. So she doesn’t press. Truthfully, Sam prefers letting Lena come to her when she things she needs to say. She just hopes that Lena knows she can come to her with any issues she has. 

‘Are we still on for the meeting in an hour?’ Sam asks. 

Lena nods and then sits down at her desk. ‘Yep. I need to talk to Rob about his conduct before that, though, so I can’t promise I’ll be on time.’

Sam shudders. ‘Give my apologies to Katie about that, will you?’ 

——

When Alex finally rings, Sam has just stepped out of the shower. It’s about ten o’clock at night and Sam is ready to wind down for the evening, when she hears her phone ring from the other room. 

She sprints from the bathroom to her room, still clad in a towel, expecting to be Lena with another business related issue. She comes to a standstill when she reads the ID. 

She presses call and only manages to say: ’Alex?’ 

‘Hey.’ Alex’s hesitant voice replies. ‘Sorry about dropping off the face of the earth.’ 

Sam swallows all of her comments that she’s been preparing for days, only to say: ‘it’s okay. She’s back. I get it.’ 

‘Yeah, still. I shouldn’t have just vanished.’ 

‘How is she?’ Sam hears the line crackle as soon as she says it. There’s a shift in the air, something she otherwise wouldn’t have noticed. But now she can, so she does. Someone has moved, on the other side of the line—and it’s not Alex, it’s further away from the speaker than that. 

Kara is listening to their phone call. 

‘She’s good.’ Alex says, softly. ‘A little exhausted. They didn’t have... she didn’t get powers on Argo so she’s still readjusting. Again.’ 

‘Aren’t we all?’ Sam says, with what is supposed to be a comforting laugh. 

If the way the air shifts again is anything to go by, the joke falls flat. 

Alex clears her throat. ‘I’ll come by sometime this week. But I probably won’t be able to pick up Ruby after school for a while.’ 

Sam winces, it’s something she expected but Ruby isn’t going to take it very well. ‘That’s okay. I figured it would happen.’ 

“Tell her I’m sorry.’ 

‘I will.’ Sam pauses. ‘It’s okay, Alex. You don’t need to feel bad. We all get busy.’ 

‘I know. But the kid will still be upset.’ 

‘Probably. But she’ll adjust. It’s not like she’ll never see you again.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Alex sounds tired beyond her years. 

Sam can picture her facial expression—eyebrows drawn together, mouth pursed and jaw tensed. This isn’t exactly how she wanted the phone call to go. She wanted to talk about... everything. Get some answers out of the other woman. But now isn’t the time. Whatever is going on over the other side of the phone needs to be long dealt with before Sam can harass Alex about their almost moment. 

‘Look,’ Sam says. ‘I should go. I’ve got an early morning.’ 

‘Of course. I’m sorry for calling so late.’ 

‘Don’t be sorry. I don’t mind.’ 

‘Talk soon, Sam.’ 

‘Okay.’ 

She hangs up then, feeling more heavy than she did when she saw her caller ID. Finally, she’s forced to confront the other half of what she was trying to forget. Kara is back. The person she’s longed to talk to is back on Earth and has yet to come see her. Sam knows it’ll sound selfish if she says it out loud, so she hasn’t. But... Sam and Kara are of the same people. Wouldn’t that mean that Kara would... want to see her? In her heart, Sam knows that it’s far more complicated than that—but it still stings. 

—— 

Sam is standing in her office, over her desk and typing into her computer, when she hears the distinct sound of Kara’s voice. 

‘Hey.’ She says. 

Sam jerks up. She looks for Kara, but she can’t see anyone. She stares at the door, but it’s still closed and there’s no one else in the room. Sam rolls her shoulders, shrugs off her nerves and says to herself that she must have misheard something. 

She goes back to typing and only pauses when she hears: 

‘You’re back early.’ It’s Lena. A little cold and a little closed off, but it’s her voice. 

Sam inhales sharply and collects herself. She’s accidentally eavesdropping on a conversation between Kara and Lena. In Lena’s office, no less. She tells herself that she really ought to stop this, that it’s a breach of privacy and that Lena would be more than a little pissed off. But the more Sam tries to force her ears to stop listening, and for her mind to cloud over with something else, the clearer the conversation becomes. 

‘Yeah.’ Kara’s voice is quieter than normal. ‘Sorry I didn’t let you know.’ 

‘It’s fine. But you’re still technically on leave, so I’m not sure I’m allowed to give you any work unless you give me time to reverse the paperwork.’ 

‘Of course. Have as much time as you need. I know it’s inconvenient.’ 

‘Having you back?’ 

‘No. The paperwork.’ 

‘Mmm. Yes. It can be.’ 

A pause. ‘Are you okay?’ 

A sigh. ‘A little surprised, if I’m honest.’ 

‘Oh.’ 

Sam can only assume Lena quirks an eyebrow at that. ‘In a good way, Kara.’

The next thing Sam hears is a very rushed: ‘Oh, good. That’s good.’ 

‘Why would it not be in a good way?’ 

Another pause. ‘I don’t know. Because I left?’ 

A scoff. ‘You went on vacation. You didn’t up and leave the planet.’ 

Sam’s eyes widen and she’s all but holding her breath. 

Kara says. ‘Yeah, um, of course. That would be weird and... unexpected.’ 

‘Very unexpected.’ Lena agrees sagely, with a ridiculous degree of decorum. Sam would almost have thought that Lena believed Kara implicitly, if not for her suspicions to the contrary. 

Some clothing shuffling—Kara fiddling with her pockets. ‘I should let you get back to it.’ 

‘I’m free for lunch. Sam’s orders. I have to take an hour off around 2. Join me?’ 

‘Of course! Want me to bring anything?’ 

‘Just yourself. Maybe some napkins.’ 

A bright laugh. ‘Can do.’ 

‘How does Japanese sound?’ 

‘Delicious.’ 

Some more scuffling, probably a hug, and then Sam hears the door to Lena’s office close. Kara is walking down the hallway—the distinctive sound of her footsteps fill Sam’s ears. Firm, confident, but light. If Sam was not aware of Kara’s alter ego, she might be inclined to ask questions about how someone so naturally clumsy could walk with such assurance and intention. 

She almost goes to grab Kara’s attention, but stops herself at the last moment. Instead, Sam gathers up some papers, in a poor attempt to give herself a reason to waltz into Lena’s office, and heads in the direction of her office. 

She walks through the doorway and right to Lena’s desk before she can really stop herself. Truth be told, she’s burning to ask—burning to know for a certainty that Lena knows that Kara and Sam are one in the same. She needs to know, because if… If Lena knows about Kara and can cope with that fact, then maybe Lena and Sam will truly be okay.  
She knows she shouldn’t ask, because its pressing and private and dangerous. But she takes a breath and watches Lena look up at her from her laptop screen. 

‘You didn’t tell her.’ Is the first thing Sam says. 

Lena laughs. ‘Overhearing conversations now, are we?’ 

‘It was an accident.’ 

‘I don’t mind. But to answer your question: it wasn’t exactly the time for a declaration of love.’ 

Sam swallows and tenses herself. ‘That wasn’t what I meant. You know.’ 

‘Know what?’ Lena says, idle, flipping through some kind of report or another. 

‘Lena, come on.’ 

Lena sighs. ‘Close the door.’ 

Sam does as she’s instructed and sits down opposite her. ‘Well?’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘Of course I know. I’ve known for quite a while... probably longer than you, if we did the maths. I didn’t want to know. So I pretended I didn’t.’ 

‘Does anyone else know that you know?’ 

Lena picks at her jacket, uncharacteristically nervous. ‘Only you. I wasn’t about to tell my mother.’ 

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ 

‘Mm-hm.’

‘I didn’t.’ 

Lena sighs. ‘I know. Defensive mechanism.’ 

‘Why pretend?’ Sam urges, more for herself than for Lena and if the way Lena is looking at her is anything to go by, she’s aware of it.

Lena purses her lips. ‘Kara should be able to be human with someone. And she’s quickly running out of options.’ 

‘So you trust half of her.’ 

‘No.’ Lena says sharply. ‘I trust her. Not the facade.’ 

Sam takes a breath so she doesn’t get worked up at Lena’s tone. ‘It seems like you’re… taking the easy way out, I guess. Not telling her because it lets you not lose someone.’ 

Lena’s mouth takes on a crueller smirk. ‘Right.’ 

Sam closes her eyes, mouth thinning out in regret. ‘I didn’t mean it sound so…’ 

‘Cruel?’ 

She reopens her eyes to see Lena sitting up straighter, eyes pouring over her laptop. Sam readjusts her clothing and tries to catch her attention by ducking her head.

‘I get it. If you don’t want to lose human Kara because it’s easier. I’ve done plenty of things because they’re easy.’ 

‘I’m sure.’ 

Sam sighs. ‘I don’t talk to my mother anymore—it’s a long story but the short of it is because I got pregnant. I could try and talk to her, she’d probably love to know Ruby now. Now that old wounds have healed. But I can’t bring myself to make contact. Because if I do, it means she could reject me again. Or… she could genuinely want to be Ruby’s grandmother. But where does that leave me? Unmoored, with all those years of rejection just never being acknowledged? I can’t do that to myself.’ 

‘So you’d deny your child a grandmother for the sake of your feelings?’ Lena asks. Her posture certainly doesn’t seem softer—but her voice has taken on a lilt. Her heartbeat seems to have slowed, too. 

Sam shrugs. ‘We have my dad’s side that we see on holidays when we can. Ruby’s said she doesn’t mind, and I trust her.’ 

‘Sometimes chosen family is the better option.’ 

Sam makes eye contact with Lena and tries a soft smile. ‘I know.’ 

Lena closes her laptop and pulls a menu out of her top drawer. ‘Help me decide what to order for lunch.’ 

Just like that, the heavier moment is gone and Sam accepts what she hopes is forgiveness.

——

Sam spends about two hours being on the verge of throwing up. She’s agreed to meet Kara for coffee at her apartment—delivered by text, no less. This is the first time she’ll have actually seen Kara since she came back to Earth.

It’s been a month. A whole fucking month since Kara decided to grace them with her presence again. Sam feels angry and hurt and… relieved. In all honesty, the anger and the rage are all poor attempts to avoid acknowledging how glad she is to have Kara back, to have a point of reference back.

Sam drives to the apartment well under the speed limit because she can’t concentrate on a single thing other than her racing heart and sweating palms. Her heart rate doesn’t slow at all when she knocks on Kara’s door.

The first thing Kara blurts out when she sees Sam is: ‘what’s the ring for?’ 

Sam, instinctive and defensive, covers it with one of her hands. ‘Hello to you too.’ 

Kara gives an apologetic smile and lets her in. ‘Sorry. Hi.’ 

Sam sighs and sits down on the other woman’s couch. ‘It was a gift from Lena. If I ever feel myself losing time or... I press the button and it injects kryptonite into my bloodstream. Enough to slow me down, if necessary.’ 

Sam watches Kara try not to balk. ‘That’s a big deal.’ 

‘I trust her.’ 

‘Of course. So do I.’ 

‘Do you?’ Sam asks, before she stop herself. 

She watches Kara’s eyebrows rise and her face tighten. Sam holds up her hands. 

‘Sorry. Don’t answer.’ Sam rushes to say. ‘I didn’t come here to fight.’ 

Kara’s face softens. ‘Nothing we haven’t done before.’ 

Sam inhaled sharply. ‘Yeah. Sorry about that.’ 

Kara puts a hand on Sam’s shoulder. ‘No, don’t apologise. It was a bad joke.’

Sam doesn’t know what to say or what to do. She just gives Kara a small smile. It seems so odd for the moment to have passed by so easily—Kara admitting that she’s SuperGirl, Sam admitting that she knows. But maybe Sam is afforded special privileges now that she’s an alien—now that she’s Kryptonian. 

It’s then that Kara takes in a heavy breath and suddenly looks so aged. She pulls her hand away, wipes them on her jeans and turns to Sam with a more business-like posture. No, business-like isn’t quite right. She almost, almost looks like SuperGirl—but less like she’s trying to be heroic, less like she’s trying on what she thinks other people want to see. It’s in that moment that Sam realizes that this is the posture of Kara Zor El. 

‘Look.’ Kara says. ‘I get if you’re mad at me for leaving when I did—when you had so much to learn from me. I get it if you’re mad that I didn’t come to see you straight away. You’re a Kryptonian now and I should have seen that, I should have treated you like one of us and I didn’t. So I want to apologize for that.’ 

‘It’s okay.’ Sam replies automatically. 

‘It’s not.’ Kara insists, with a shake of her head. ‘My cousin did a similar thing with me. And I hate that I did the same thing to you. It’s not okay.’

Sam shrugs and picks at her jeans. ‘I mean, no, but there’s nothing we can do to change it now.’ 

Kara winces. ‘How is everything going?’ 

‘It’s all right. It was more difficult at the start, but Alex helped a lot. Lena, too, obviously. Alex told me a lot about how you were growing up. She helped me track my powers growing and knowing how to calm myself down.’ 

Kara’s face transforms into a softer smile. ‘Yeah. She’s good at that.’ 

‘She’s had practice.’   
‘Plenty.’ Kara seems to toy with what to say next. ‘What… what did you want to learn about Krypton?’ 

Sam feels her mouth go dry. ‘I didn’t… I hadn’t thought of that.’ 

Kara tries for a casual shrug but fails. ‘You’re one of us now.’ 

Sam, for some reason, feels like she’s just stepped on needles. ‘Only in biology.’ 

Her voice must come out sharper than she means, because Kara withdraws and considers her with a confused smile.

‘I mean, yeah, technically. But only because you were robbed of your home planet. We all were.’ 

‘I don’t… I don’t have the same connection that you do to all that stuff. To being alien. I don’t even know how to address it half the time. I just—I wouldn’t even know where to begin.’

Kara’s smile turns a touch sympathetic and it makes Sam’s stomach roil. ‘I can help with that.’ 

‘I look exactly the same, Kara. If it weren’t for the powers, I would feel exactly the same. How can I be an alien when I look exactly the same? How can those two things exist at once? I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how to be an alien. I don’t know who I am anymore.’

Kara seems to read not to touch her, so she keeps her hands to herself. ‘I know, I know. It’s terrifying, not knowing who your body is anymore and how it works. It gets better. It gets easier to know yourself. But it’s a process. You need to give yourself time to get reacquainted.’ 

‘Easier for you to say.’ Sam says it because it’s an easy barb to throw. She expects Kara to get defensive, though, and to fight back. Or, to placate her some more. 

Instead, Kara stands up and hugs a pillow. ‘I didn’t have powers on Argo. It was so weird to be… normal. But, now I get them again. So I have to readjust to everything. I broke half of Alex’s apartment when I came back—it’s so easy to forget that you can crush metal in one hand. I put a foot through her floorboards because I stepped too hard in the middle of the night.’ 

She takes a breath, and Sam tells her continue on. ‘I broke—I broke Alex’s shoulder because I hugged her too hard when I came back. I’ve only… I’ve only done that once, you know? Only once. And I fucking did it again. She said it was fine, because of course she did… But you never quite get over being able to break people.’

Sam feels her own tears well and her throat ache. ‘I know that better than most people.’

Kara gives her a watery smile. ‘Right. Of course.’ 

‘I’m sorry for almost killing you those times.’ 

Kara shrugs. ‘Wasn’t you. That’s the difference.’ 

‘Still.’ 

‘Apology accepted. Remind me to tell you sometime about red kryptonite.’ 

Sam’s eyebrows pull together in confusion. ‘What’s that?’

Kara looks away from her and hugs the pillow tighter. ‘It kind of turned me into Reign—minus the split personality. It enhanced all the negative emotions I was feeling. Made me act on them.’ 

Sam’s voice comes out in a whisper. ‘Did you kill anyone?’ 

‘No.’ Kara’s voice wavers. ‘But I hurt a lot of people. Alex included.’ 

Sam stands up and pulls Kara into a hug. ‘I’m sorry about before. Tragedy isn’t a competition.’ 

Kara doesn’t say anything in response, but hugs her back tighter. It’s then that Sam realises that Kara and her have far, far more in common than she initially anticipated. They stay like that, wrapped up in each other, for long enough for both of their tears to subside. 

—— 

Kara, Lena and Sam go out to dinner later that week. Alex was supposed to come with them, but the DEO called her in at the last minute. So, Sam resolves herself to be not-quite-third-wheeling at a ridiculously expensive restaurant. 

‘My treat.’ Lena says, when she leads them inside. 

The entire restaurant is booked out. Both Kara and Sam gawk at that. 

‘You’re a billionaire.’ Sam reminds her. ‘It’s always your treat.’ 

‘Fair enough.’ Lena sits down, her tight red dress shifting as she moves. 

Sam herself is in a suit. ‘Thank god it’s Friday.’ 

Kara takes a seat at well, pulling her black dress up slightly so she can sit down comfortably. ‘Who’s looking after Ruby?’ 

‘She has a standing sleepover at a friend’s house.’ 

Lena raises an eyebrow. ‘Is this with the girl she has a crush on?’ 

Sam grins. ‘One and the same. Though I’m not sure how serious the crush is getting.’ 

Kara beams. ‘Ruby has a crush?’ 

Lena takes a sip of her water. ‘Yep. See what you miss when you go on leave, Kara?’ 

Kara grabs a breadstick from the container on their table. ‘Remind me not to do that again.’ 

‘Will do.’ Sam murmurs, as she grabs her glass of water.

Kara grabs another breadstick. ‘What are we all thinking for dinner?’

Lena gestures to the menus, next to the breadsticks. ‘Have a read.’

Kara grabs yet another breadstick. ‘What do you recommend, though?’ 

Lena shrugs, too noncommittal for Sam to be anything but suspicious. ‘I’ve never been here before. Truth be told, no one’s ever been here before. It doesn’t open for a week.’ 

‘Then what are we doing here, Lena?’ Sam asks, trying to hide a smile. 

‘I wanted to treat you all. Besides, I’m co-owner.’ 

Kara gapes. ‘You’re co-owner of a restaurant?!’

‘Yep. So feel free to eat as much as you like.’ 

‘That’s dangerous.’ Sam quips.

‘Hey.’ Kara pouts, in an attempt to appear offended. 

‘Is it rude if it’s the truth?’ Lena teases. 

‘Yes.’ Kara stresses, trying to hide the fringes of a smile by ducking her head.

The waiters come then and they order their food. Kara is delighted to learn that they serve potstickers even though they’re not on the menu. Sam side eyes Lena, then, who is pointedly not looking at her. Lena and herself each order something Italian, paired with a glass of ridiculously expensive wine.

Their food arrives and Kara is all too happy to dive right in. 

Sam watches Lena watching Kara over the top of her wine glass. Her look is one of such tenderness and fondness that Sam almost feels like she’s stumbled onto a private moment, almost like she has to look away. 

Kara is too busy laughing and failing to pick up another potsticker with her chopsticks. Eventually, Sam grabs her own and picks it up for her. 

She puts it onto Kara’s plate with a triumphant grin. ‘It’s an art.’ 

‘I had it.’ Kara insists. 

‘Sure.’ Sam drawls and picks up her wine glass. 

There’s a loud noise in the kitchen—someone dropping a pot, from the sounds of things—but the noise is sudden and jarring enough that Sam is startled. So startled, in fact, that she snaps her wine glass stem and shatters the glass altogether. 

Sam watches—half there and half not—as the white tablecloth slowly bleeds a diluted red. Oh, she thinks, I did that. 

Lena and Kara are both looking at her with matching looks of concern. Sam glances up at them and realizes just how badly her hands are shaking. 

‘Sam?’ Lena says, gently. ‘Are you okay?’ 

Sam’s not sure if she can speak. She’s not sure if she can do anything—except stare at the mess she’s created. She watches as Lena waves away the waiters and sets about cleaning up the glass shards. Kara is completely still, watching Sam with slow blinks. She seems to waiting for something—but for what? 

Reign. Surely not, Sam says to herself, that would be ridiculous. Kara knows that she’s not Reign—she knows that Reign is gone. Because Reign is gone, right? 

Sam’s breathing picks up and that’s when Kara moves. 

‘Hey.’ Kara catches Sam’s gaze and holds it, steady. ‘You’re here. It’s okay. It’s just a glass. No one got hurt.’ 

Sam tries to slow her breathing, but it only makes her more anxious when she can’t slow it down. She holds her hands together—terrified that if she puts them down she’ll break the table, or worse. 

‘Can you count with me? Down from ten?’ Kara asks. 

Sam nods, even though she’s still not sure she can speak. 

‘Okay. I’m gonna start at ten.’ Kara continues. ‘10...’ 

‘9.’ Sam manages. 

‘8.’ 

‘7.’ 

‘6.’ 

‘5.’ Sam doesn’t think it’s working but at least it’s giving her something to concentrate on, other than her racing heartbeat. 

‘4.’ 

‘3.’ 

‘2.’ 

‘1.’ Sam finishes. Her hands have stopped shaking somehow. 

Lena gestures to Sam’s ring. ‘Use it if you need it.’ 

Kara tenses immediately. There is such a different in her posture all of a sudden—her ramrod spins making her much taller. 

Sam shakes her head as she uncurls her fists. ‘I think—I think I’m okay. For now, anyway.’

‘Good.’ Lena supplies. She singles for the waiter again. ‘Do you mind getting me a bin or something, to put the glass in?’ 

The waiter nods and heads away, presumably to do as requested. Sam winces and feels the familiar shame unfurl from her chest. 

‘I’m sorry, guys.’ She manages. 

Kara goes to put her hand on Sam’s and then hesitates and settles to put them back on the table. ‘It’s okay. I get it. You don’t need to apologize.’ 

They head home soon after that—Sam can’t handle being out in public after everything and Kara is more than happy to order more takeout. They end up at Lena’s apartment, the three of them sitting on the couch. Sam tries to pretend like everything if fine, but all of her laughs seem fake and her smiles flat.

Lena gets a phone call, the sharp ring makes Sam jump, and she excuses herself. Kara looks over at Sam and gauges her facial expressions. 

‘Do you want a hug?’ She asks. 

Sam shakes her head, though the comfort would be nice. ‘No, I’m—It’ll be too difficult. I don’t think I’d be able to moderate my strength.’ 

Kara shrugs. ‘You can’t hurt me.’ 

‘I have before.’

Kara pauses, then. ‘You know, I was thinking about that—on Argo. Obviously the implant made you stronger, enhanced you somehow. I’m not sure you’d be able to beat me now.’

Sam laughs, somehow real and genuine. ‘Because you’re the best of us?’

Kara grins. ‘No. But I’ve been trained, you’re just getting used to everything. Because you don’t remember, you don’t realise half the things you can do. Have you even tried flying yet?’ 

Sam shakes her head. ‘I just hover.’

Kara stands up and gestures for Sam to do the same. ‘Try it with me.’

They spend what must be a solid hour, laughing and hovering in the middle of Lena’s living room. Kara helps her control how high she’s hovering, holding onto Sam with one hand. She demonstrates how to concentrate and flex her feet just so, to hover about an inch above the ground. It feels good, to be weightless but to still be in control.

Kara, once, gets too excited and flies too fast into the ceiling. They’re losing themselves, laughing about the bump Kara has left in the roof, when Lena walks back into the room.

She scowls at them, but Sam can see the beginnings of a smile pulling at her lips. ‘Are you two flying in the middle of my very expensive living room?’ 

Kara freezes. ‘What? No? Me, flying? Don’t be ridiculous, Lena.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes and sits down on the couch. ‘Just Sam then.’ 

Kara makes that pensive face of hers and sits down as well. ‘I—Yeah.’ 

Lena gives her a charming smile and Sam watches, as the moment seems to dissipate. There’s a quiet run of tension in the air, though, and Sam knows that they’ll be having a conversation about it all later—and what it means. It’s the closest Lena’s ever come to a confession, and Sam thinks Kara now knows that the game is up.

Lena lets the tension go, when she suggests that they watch a movie. Sam agrees, and sits down in the middle of them. Finally, she feels calm and grounded.

——

It takes Alex cancelling on Sam three times in the space of two weeks for Sam to realise that they’re probably never going to see each other. So, instead of wallowing in her misery like she wants to, she builds up the resolve to drive over to Alex’s and confront the issue directly. 

It’s Saturday morning, Ruby is still at her friend’s house and Sam is hungover enough not to be second guessing her own decisions. 

Sam bursts into Alex’s apartment. ‘We need to talk.’ 

Alex and Kara both blink at her from their positions on the couch. Shit. Sam should have thought of that. Sam should have thought of a lot of things before she all but trespassed in Alex’s apartment. 

‘Okay.’ Alex drawls, as she gets up. ‘Did you want to go into my room?’ 

Sam nods. ‘Yeah.’ 

Alex points a stern finger at her sister. ‘No eavesdropping.’ 

Kara pouts. ‘You are no fun.’ 

Alex’s stern resolve doesn’t last—and her crinkled brow gives way, as a smile creeps onto her face. Still, she leads Sam to her bedroom with a degree of seriousness. 

‘Are you okay?’ She asks. 

Sam shakes her head, stops herself and then nods. ‘No. Well, yes, actually. I’m okay in the way you’re thinking but I’m not okay in other ways.’ 

Alex leans against her bed frame, an attractive but confused smile on her face. ‘You wanna start making sense, Arias?’ 

Sam huffs. ‘You’re avoiding me.’ 

Alex’s posture stiffens. ‘I am not.’

‘For a secret agent, you’re a terrible liar.’ 

Alex rolls her eyes. ‘I’m not avoiding you. I’ve been busy.’ 

‘So have I. I still managed to text you back.’ 

Alex sighs, then. ‘Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry. I have been avoiding you.’ 

Sam nods. ‘Right. Why?’ 

‘Kara, mostly. I just wanna make sure she’s settled back on Earth and not struggling re-adjusting her powers. I’m overprotective, that’s my whole thing. I’m sorry if I worried you.’ 

Sam tries not to groan audibly at that. She’s an adult and she’s going to have a frank conversation about why Alex tried to kiss her, goddamnit. 

‘And?’ 

Alex shrugs. ‘And what?’ 

‘Alexandra.’ 

‘Wow, alright. Full name time.’ Alex gives her an unfairly charming smile. 

Sam rolls her eyes. ‘You almost kissed me and now you’re avoiding me like the plague.’ 

Alex winces. ‘I think there’s a bit more nuanced involved there but sure.’ 

‘It’s not exactly far from the truth.’ 

‘I didn’t mean to. Not really. I was caught up in the moment. I wasn’t planning on doing it again.’ 

All of Sam’s momentum comes stuttering to a halt. ‘What?’ 

‘It was a mistake.’ 

‘What are you talking about? A mistake? What the fuck does that even mean, Alex?’

Alex isn’t looking at her. Refusing to look at her, even. ‘I just... was lonely.’ 

‘Bullshit.’ 

Alex looks up at her then, startled by the language. ‘I’m sorry?’ 

‘Don’t tell me that this is one sided. What’s really going on?’ 

Alex seems to battle herself to shrug and wipe her hands on her jeans. ‘I—Sam...’ 

It’s then that Sam softens and sits down next to her. ‘You can tell me. I’m not going to hate you.’ 

Alex’s shoulders start shaking. ‘I... hurt you, Sam.’ 

Sam stares at her in confusion. ‘What?’ 

‘As Reign, but still. I—we shot you and tried to imprison you... and then when we didn’t think that would work we came up with plans to—to kill you. I can’t be... I don’t get to be with you after doing all that. I—‘ 

Sam puts her hand on Alex’s shoulder as Alex begins to cry. ‘Okay, first of all, you were plotting to kill Reign. Not me. Which is fair, when all the facts are considered.’ 

‘Sam—‘ 

She holds up her ringed hand for Alex to see. ‘What did you think this was for?’ 

Alex slumps against Sam’s shoulder. ‘I still tried to kill... something that looked exactly like you.’ 

Sam swallows. ‘And that same something tried to kill you.’

‘It’s wasn’t you.’ 

‘Exactly. It wasn’t me. So what’s the problem with being with me?’ 

‘I don’t know if I can.’ 

Sam swallows, in an attempt to get rid of the tears that prick at her eyes. ‘Did you want to try?’

Alex wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Maybe. Slowly. If it’s something you want to.’

‘Of course I want to.’ Sam pulls Alex into an one armed hug. ‘I don’t expect all the trauma of... everything to just evaporate, you know.’ 

‘I know. I get you’re not over things either.’ 

‘I’m not sure I ever will be. But I’m getting there.’ 

Alex sighs and closes her eyes. ‘I love you. I don’t know in what capacity yet, but I do.’ 

Sam runs her finger through Alex’s hair. ‘I gathered. I love you too. By the way, your sister is totaling listening to us.’ 

‘How can you tell?’ Alex asks. 

Distantly, they hear Kara shout: ‘That’s not fair, Sam!’ 

Alex laughs. ‘She’s a little shit.’ 

Again, Kara’s reply: ‘Rude!’


	6. i’m keeping time (or at least I’m learning how to)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I re-read this the other day and realized I completely left this hanging! So I wrote this epilogue to the whole thing. Hopefully, it wraps everything pretty well. Thank you all for your support! It’s been wonderful to write this and read all of your comments. I’m so glad you love Alex and Sam as much as I do. I’ll probably be around to write some more stuff for them, we’ll see. 
> 
> This hasn’t been edited much, so apologies for any mistakes. 
> 
> The title is from Angie MacMahon, ‘Keeping Time.’

It takes about four months for things to settle into some kind of equilibrium. Sam and Alex go out some nights, out to a restaurant or a bar, but most nights they stay home. It’s easier that way, for Sam, to keep spending time with Ruby and make sure that she’s not forsaking her daughter for the sake of one very, very attractive redhead. Alex understands that, because of course she does, which just makes the whole situation that much easier to handle. 

They settle themselves into a kind of rhythm. Alex stays over more, well more than she had been the month previous, and makes Ruby breakfast. She kisses Sam in the doorway when leaving for work. She texts her at night, sometimes sweet and sometimes so delightfully not. Sam can’t believe her luck, and can’t believe that someone like her has had the opportunity to find someone who just so effortlessly fits into her life. 

The panic attacks and the nightmares are still there, though, on the fringes of her consciousness. The ring is a center to all that—Lena is a support in a way that Sam didn’t even anticipate. Alex and Kara are helpful, of course, in their own ways, but Lena just seems to unerringly get her. Knows what it’s like to be faced with death, to cause it in some form of another, to lose one’s identity and find it again. 

Kara doesn’t seem to understand the point of the ring. Or, to be more accurate, she doesn’t seem to like the idea that Sam is in such close contact to something that could kill her. But, to her credit, Kara lets Sam have the crutch without so much as a barbed comment. Once Kara has established that Sam felt comfortable and safe wearing destruction around her finger, she never mentioned it again. And it helps, to have that kind of support—to know that Kara might not agree with her but won’t argue if she sees that it is something that helps Sam. 

—— 

‘Arias.’ Sam feels, against her neck. 

They’re lying in bed—sunlight has filled up the room with a glow despite the curtain being closed. It’s a Sunday though, so Sam isn’t worried about having to get up. Ruby will make herself breakfast if she’s hungry. She’s been wanting to do that ever since turning 13. Cooking herself breakfast, especially if it involves the stove. Something about being a teenager means being able to fend for oneself. Sam just thinks Ruby enjoys the responsibility, and Sam is happy to let her have it. 

‘Mm?’ Sam replies, at length. 

Alex stirs and snuggles against her collarbone. ‘Just seeing if you were awake.’ 

‘I’ve been awake for a while.’ 

‘Oh.’ Alex sighs and heaves herself up so she can catch Sam’s gaze. ‘Morning.’

Sam laughs, softly. ‘Are you still hungover?’ 

Alex grumbles. ‘No. Of course not.’ 

Sam pokes Alex in the rib, tries to cover her surprise that Alex still isn’t wearing a shirt. She’s wearing sleep shorts though, which is a little odd. Alex squirms away but doesn’t move off Sam. She lowers herself back into a more comfortable position. 

She feels Alex tap against her collarbone. ‘I cannot believe you got a tattoo on your breast.’ 

Sam rolls her eyes. ‘And I cannot believe you doesn’t just say tits like the rest of us. How old are you? Eighty?’ 

Alex kisses her collarbone, pauses, and then kisses her neck. ‘When did you get it?’ 

‘I was seventeen. It was rebellious.’ 

‘It’s a butterfly.’ 

‘Fuck off.’ 

Alex laughs, hums against her neck, and then kisses her collarbone again. She can’t really move much lower, Sam’s shirt is still on and very much in the way, but Alex seems content to kiss whatever skin isn’t already covered. 

The butterfly is bright, colorful. It was a dumb decision, but not one that Sam had regretted that much—surprisingly. She feels Alex trace the tattoo with the tip of her finger, over the material of her t shirt. Sam shivers. 

Sam hears pots and pans clatter in the kitchen. ‘I should check on Ruby.’ 

‘Should you?’ Alex asks, mildly, but brushes a hand against Sam’s hip. 

Sam feels a rush of heat when Alex bites at the skin just above her collarbone. ‘Yes, I should.’

‘She’ll be fine. I trust her.’ 

Sam scoffs. ‘I’m so glad.’ 

‘Lena and Kara are coming over in, like, half an hour.’

‘Stop trying to get me to stay in bed with you.’ 

‘Never.’ She feels Alex grin. 

‘I get it. I’m irresistible. But I have responsibilities that don’t involve staying in bed all morning.’

Alex laughs. ‘I’ll make you a deal.’ 

‘Oh no, you don’t. I still remember the last deal we made. Ruby still has a video of me drunkenly singing Hayley Kiyoko at the top of my lungs.’ 

‘This is a good deal. I promise.’ 

Sam pokes Alex in the ribs again. ‘What is it?’ 

The blanket has been somewhat lost between them. Sam feels a chill from the draft that never quite got fixed, even though she patched the door. She searches for it, finds a corner, and pulls it over the both of them. 

Alex sighs, not begrudgingly—but almost like she’s working herself up to say something. ‘I just really wanna fuck you in the next like fifteen minutes, okay? I’ll still give you time to make yourself presentable so Lena doesn’t give you shit later.’

Sam has lost all ability to speak. Jesus Christ. She hadn’t expected Alex to just come right out and say it. They’ve only had sex a handful of times, and not very recently. They’ve only been dating for four months for goodness sake. And they really shouldn’t right now, anyway. She should check on Ruby and get ready for the day. Alex isn’t quiet, and Sam doesn’t want to mortify her daughter. 

Alex shifts, when Sam doesn’t answer, and looks up at her. ‘We don’t have to.’ 

Sam shakes herself out of her mental reverie. Oh, what the hell. ‘No I want to. I just got distracted.’ 

Alex rolls her eyes. ‘I thought I was distracting enough.’ 

‘You are.’ Sam affirms and trails her fingernails up Alex’s ribs. 

Alex’s eyes flutter closed. ‘Prove it.’ 

It’s a dare that Sam’s happy to oblige. She leans in to kiss Alex, when she’s startled by the sound of the front door flinging open. 

‘Arias! We’re here!’ She hears Lena call. 

Sam groans. ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. The one time she’s early.’ 

—— 

Sam and Alex get dressed, in between snatched kisses. Sam is tempted to text Lena and tell her to take Ruby somewhere for, like, half an hour tops but she knows it’ll be far too suspicious—her libido be damned. 

It’s still fairly new, with Alex, but Sam is comfortable. They settled into their relationship with relative ease. Some things have been discussed—when they can go on dates, expectations and all that. Sex. Kids. Family. Some conversations they haven’t had yet, but Sam is confident that they’ll get there. They haven’t really fought yet either, but Sam is anticipating that they will eventually. And she’s sure that they’ll be able to figure out their fights like competent and communicative adults. 

When she finally exits her bedroom, a little tousled but fairly neat, she’s greeted to the sight of Kara and Ruby sitting on the couch watching television. Lena is in the kitchen, trying to figure out the coffee machine. 

Sam greets Kara and Ruby with a grin and walks over to the brunette. 

‘You know, you really should have bought me a coffee machine that you know how to work.’ 

Lena rolls her eyes. ‘I’m rich. I’ve always had people make my coffee for me.’ 

‘Snob.’ Sam wraps her arms around Lena’s middle and props her chin on her shoulder. ‘Press the middle button.’ 

Lena does so, and the coffee machine splutters to life. She leans back into Sam’s hug. 

This is new, casual affection between the two of them. It’s taken some time for the both of realize that they don’t need dark moments and shed tears to hug each other. It’s taken Sam some time to warm up to the idea of hugging someone that admitted that they were terrified of something with Sam’s face. But they’re getting there. They’re healing together. 

Lena sighs. ‘I have three PhDs. It took me twenty minutes to try to figure out that coffee machine.’ 

Sam laughs. ‘The instructions were on the fridge.’ 

‘I don’t need instructions. I can build things that defy physics in my sleep.’ 

Kara’s voice comes from behind her. ‘I told her to get the instructions.’ 

‘You know, Kara.’ Lena quips. ‘’I told you so’ isn’t an attractive phrase on you.’ 

‘Please.’ Sam scoffs. ‘Have you seen her? Everything is attractive.’ 

‘Okay. Ew. What kind of conversation did I walk in on?’ 

Sam detaches herself from Lena to see Alex leaning against the kitchen counter, next to her sister. 

Sam holds up her hands. ‘Just making a point.’

She shares a grin with Kara. This has been easier too—relating to Kara, learning what it means to be an alien. It comes in stages and waves. Some days it’s all she can think about and some days it doesn’t matter to her. She’s so much more than that label—so much more than enhanced strength and flight and invulnerability. And so is Kara. 

Lena wrinkles her brow. ‘Though, it was not attractive when she tried to fit seven potstickers in her mouth the other night.’ 

‘Date night?’ Alex quips. 

Kara flushes the brightest red and turns away. Then, she turns back and socks Alex in the shoulder. Alex yelps. 

Lena seems to be trying not to smile. ‘No. Just a dinner between two friends.’ 

‘Just gals being pals.’ Sam agrees sagely. 

She’s not actually sure what’s going on with them. Lena told her last month that Kara had gone through the trouble to a dramatic reveal—shirt unbuttoning and everything—only for Lena to just simply state that she already knew. With that secret out of the way, Lena had no choice but to be faced with the consequences on the other one. 

Sam isn’t sure if Lena has told Kara that she’s in love with her. But they seem to be getting there, slowly. It was always going to be slow with the two of them. They have far too much history between them. They both have their own tragedies. So Sam tries not give them too much shit about being absolute idiots in front of each other. Alex, however, has not given them that much reprieve. 

‘What’s going on?’ Ruby says, narrowing her eyes with suspicion. The sound must have drawn her to kitchen. 

‘Nothing.’ Sam supplies. ‘Just your Aunts being idiots again.’ 

Kara scoffs in mock offense, and then offers to make pancakes. Alex refuses to let her, and instead says that she can watch Alex make pancakes. Kara pouts and agrees. 

The day feels lighter, much lighter than it has been for the past year or so. Sam feels that maybe, just maybe, she might be able to build a life after everything. She might be able to finally be comfortable in this body, with these powers. She might be able to move forward and move on.


End file.
